AFTER OVERTURNING ROE v. WADE, COURT LOOKS TO BAN ALL UNPRODUCTIVE SEX

The Supreme Court of the United States handed down it’s decision overturning a woman’s right to abortion that had stood for 50 years as a result of the Supreme Court’s opinion in Roe v. Wade.  But they might not stop there.  Earth Muffins has received a copy of another draft of the opinion. Before releasing the final decision Justice Alito invited his originalist colleague, Clarence … Continue reading AFTER OVERTURNING ROE v. WADE, COURT LOOKS TO BAN ALL UNPRODUCTIVE SEX

Making Sure Your Prostate Is In Good Hands

A 21 Year-Old’s Investigative Journal  October 2021:   It’s been two months since my Pfizer booster shot. I can’t stop shivering and shaking in the night, I awake and use the restroom at an astounding rate. I’m becoming self conscious of my actions. What do my roommates think of me? They must hear the toilet flush at an average of 5.4 times per night. It must be the … Continue reading Making Sure Your Prostate Is In Good Hands

CU Votes “Todd” as Sole Finalist for Grand Treasurer and Lord of Coin

This Tuesday morning, The Board of Regents announced that they unanimously selected Todd Saliman as the only finalist for the position of President. Saliman has been serving as interim President, a position which oversees the entire system of four universities, after Mark Kennedy’s departure last year.  Saliman has worked for the University administration long before this announcement, handling the university’s budget and finance operations for … Continue reading CU Votes “Todd” as Sole Finalist for Grand Treasurer and Lord of Coin

How to Kill It This Easter Like You’re Pontius Pilate

If you’re anything like me, fellow Buffs, you’re still reeling from the hysterics of Palm Sunday. Tickling each other’s balls with palm leaves during the service was pretty rad, but the fun doesn’t end there! Easter weekend is fast approaching! Here’s how to celebrate the resurrection of Christ like a real Buff:  Treat yourself. Lent is over my dudes!! I don’t know about you but … Continue reading How to Kill It This Easter Like You’re Pontius Pilate

Trump Finds Hole On First Try

At the end of March, after having played a round of golf with Ernie Els and other PGA tour players, ex-President Donald Trump issued a statement confirming that he had scored a  hole-in-one on the par three seventh hole at Trump International Golf Course in West Palm Beach.  Els subsequently tweeted, “Great shot on Saturday 45! Fun to watch the ball roll in for a … Continue reading Trump Finds Hole On First Try

Gamer Guide: Sites of Grace Locations in Boulder

Elden Ring has now sold more than 12 million copies since it was released, and chances are either you’re playing it or you know somebody who is. Whether it be your roommate Tyler who has never played a video game game that isn’t Madden before and is now waking you up at 3 A.M the night before your Scandinavian Macroeconomics exam bellowing with rage at … Continue reading Gamer Guide: Sites of Grace Locations in Boulder

The Truth Is Stranger Than Earth Muffins: Donald Trump’s Strategy for Ending the War In Ukraine

While keeping up with the news, Earth Muffins editors have noticed a distinct trend: we have become increasingly unable to come up with headlines more ridiculous than reality. As such, we have decided to start reporting on real news stories. On March 5th, in a rambling, 84-minute address to 250 of the Republican Party’s top donors at the Four Seasons Hotel in New Orleans, ex-President … Continue reading The Truth Is Stranger Than Earth Muffins: Donald Trump’s Strategy for Ending the War In Ukraine

How to Help Ukraine

As the war in Ukraine continues to escalate, and the horrors are broadcast around the world,  many are left wondering what they can do to help the citizens of Ukraine. Thankfully, we live in a society of consumption and virtue signaling, so you can get all the satisfaction of helping those in need with minute changes to your consumption habits and vocabulary. Experts have agreed … Continue reading How to Help Ukraine

Marjorie Taylor Greene High School Opens in Calhoun, Georgia

On February 14th, the fourth anniversary of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shootings in Parkland, Florida, the city of Calhoun in Georgia’s 4th Congressional District unveiled the Marjorie Taylor Greene High School.  The Congresswoman was on hand to be honored and, in lieu of a ribbon cutting ceremony, fired the first shot into the bullet-proof glass of the building’s front door. Mayor James F. … Continue reading Marjorie Taylor Greene High School Opens in Calhoun, Georgia