It was a normal morning for Richard Numbers, a measly biochem major. Two classes down by 11:00 am and off to the arguably worst lecture of his day– Organic Chemistry for majors. Normally, his professor is already in the room trying and failing to get his technology to work. But today as the door creaked open and slammed behind Richard, the professor the class had … Continue reading The Professor Lives!
There is someone down here. I just know it. You see I live in Libby Basement. It sucks. The late nights with teens who think they are sneaky and the RA’s who use their patrol time to make out. I try to stay out of their way. I just want to sleep. But no matter how many times I pause the freshman’s movies, slam their … Continue reading The Ghosts of Libby Basement
CIRES, the Cooperative Institute for Research in Environmental Sciences at the University of Colorado Boulder, was founded in 1967 and, according to Earth Muffins’ science reporter (in other words, ChatGPT) it “is a leading research institute dedicated to advancing our understanding of the environment and developing solutions to environmental challenges facing society.” For decades, researchers at the Institute have been studying climate change and concluding … Continue reading CIRES Directors Declare Global Warming a “Crock of Shit”
On November 9th of this year KFC Germany sent out a push message on its app stating, “Commemorate Kristallnacht – treat yourself to more soft cheese and crispy chicken. Now at KFCheese!” Kristallnacht (The Night of Broken Glass) commemorates the night in 1938 that Nazi gangs looted, vandalized, and destroyed synagogues, Jewish businesses and Jewish homes across the country. It seems that computer-generated messages to … Continue reading When Advertising Goes Terribly Wrong
It has four legs. It is rectangular. It lives in the center of the living room. It never moves and rarely ever gets cleaned. It is made of wood and houses a peculiar, wide variety of items. On Sunday mornings it is so cluttered that you can’t see the surface of it. It has become an autonomous being. At times, this thing can be a … Continue reading The Beauty of the Coffee Table
BOULDER, CO – Well, you only live once, kids, and you’ll only go to college once or twice in your short little lifetime, so might as well make it sweet, savory, and seven years long, like current super, super, super senior Mike Barron. Originally in the class of 2020, Barron has strategically failed over ten classes in order to maximize his college experience. “Give me … Continue reading YOLO! This Man Has Been in College for Seven Years
Dorm Life can be hard, that is something that we can all probably agree on. However, it can be especially difficult for our resident anti-socialites, introverts, and anti-confrontational cowards as they need to learn new ways to communicate with what may or may not be their fellow humans of the genus roommateus. But not to worry, as here we have three ani-confrontational methods of preventing … Continue reading How To Prevent Your Roommate From Banging a Rando While You Are In The Room
The quaint tourist town of Golden Colorado is a known primarily for the small river known as Clear Creek, the Coors factory, and it’s thriving witch community. Golden is where I grew up and spent the majority of my childhood and, after my first semester at college, I was really looking forward to spending the holidays with my family. Now, as you may have guessed … Continue reading Golden Green
Ladies and gentlemen, as a renowned reporter of this great new century, it is my regret to inform the good citizens of the University of Colorado that as we continue our pleasant existences of studying, partying, exams, vomiting, and ill-fated lunch dates, our contentment is only a result of blind ignorance of the true nature of the state of our world– a new, more prevalent … Continue reading The World is Too Much With Us
As a community, I think we can simultaneously agree that iCarly was one of the best TV shows that Nickelodeon had to offer our generation, which is why I had to see Jennette McCurdy when she came to speak at Macky Auditorium. In a world that lacks societal norms, logic, and parental supervision (besides Mrs. Benson of course) where hard shell tacos can stay perfectly … Continue reading Jennnette McCurdy is CU Boulder’s New Therapist?