ABSOLUTE MAYHEM: CU Boulder Chancellor Adopts New Persona Homelander, Starts Fascist Coup

Mayhem erupted the past week as CU chancellor Phil Distefano has adopted a chaotic new persona: The Homelander. After watching the new season of The Boys, Distefano was a changed man, anonymous sources from the administrator’s office say. After viewing the season, he locked himself in his office, requesting frequent milk deliveries and different fabrics to eventually create his own Homelander costume. According to those … Continue reading ABSOLUTE MAYHEM: CU Boulder Chancellor Adopts New Persona Homelander, Starts Fascist Coup

The Most Insufferable Person on Earth Goes on an Unhinged Rant, by Tom Hansen

Last Tuesday, at a party in the Lofts, Jeffery Reginald declared that he was “more based” than everyone else on campus. He was showing a girl his “indie” playlist, full of Car Seat Headrest and Tame Impala, and declaring himself an indie fan and that he was based and loved Mark Fisher. This was the news that shocked the campus. More based than me? Huh? … Continue reading The Most Insufferable Person on Earth Goes on an Unhinged Rant, by Tom Hansen

If You Pee In The Buff Pool You Will Be Drowned

Boulder, CO – In a shocking but purely logical move Tuesday, The Rec Center announced that the lifeguards will now be required to drown you if they catch you peeing in the Buff Pool. “I’m actually the exact opposite of a lifeguard,” said employee Magnus Van’Løngschløng, one of the many students hired to implement the new program. The Program will be called P.A.U.G.H.T.Y., a shortened … Continue reading If You Pee In The Buff Pool You Will Be Drowned

CU Boulder Student Loses A Testicle

Boulder, CO- A college student was assaulting the police, our delivery workers, and our eyes, on the hill this week. Reports of a naked man near our favorite sweatshop, Starbucks, started coming in mid-day on Tuesday the 23rd. Our new reporter Chasey June ran to the scene to report and get statements from the surrounding witnesses. This is what he found: “Hi! It’s really crazy … Continue reading CU Boulder Student Loses A Testicle

“I’m on so many girl’s private stories,” Says Man who Nobody Knows Inner, Private Self

Boulder, CO – Junior Jake Marine recently made the shocking claim that he’s on 21 girl’s private snapchat stories, shattering Mike Broccoli’s previous record of 9. Regardless, Marine struggles to open up to people, preferring instead to keep his true feelings locked tight and so deep inside him that even he does not know where they are.  “Dude,” said Marine, “I’m on so many girl’s … Continue reading “I’m on so many girl’s private stories,” Says Man who Nobody Knows Inner, Private Self

Hot New Spot Giving Out Free Food

Most students at any college enjoy whatever free food they can find on their campus. Pizza, cookies, sandwiches–anything that’s easy to grab off the table and walk away with. Earlier today on campus, sophomore Amy Wriggen thought she was getting free shrimp puffs with no catch. “I left the free food group chat in the fall semester because honestly I think I’m better at sniffing … Continue reading Hot New Spot Giving Out Free Food

TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN EARTH MUFFINS: TRUMP WANTED NAZI GENERALS

As if we didn’t already know the magnitude of his stupidity and egomania, a recent article revealed the extent to which ex-President Trump, while in office, was colossally ignorant and totally out of touch with any semblance of reality. The New Yorker writers, Susan B. Glasser and Peter Baker, reported that, in 2017, returning from a trip to France, where he had witnessed the Bastille Day Parade, … Continue reading TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN EARTH MUFFINS: TRUMP WANTED NAZI GENERALS

AFTER OVERTURNING ROE v. WADE, COURT LOOKS TO BAN ALL UNPRODUCTIVE SEX

The Supreme Court of the United States handed down it’s decision overturning a woman’s right to abortion that had stood for 50 years as a result of the Supreme Court’s opinion in Roe v. Wade.  But they might not stop there.  Earth Muffins has received a copy of another draft of the opinion. Before releasing the final decision Justice Alito invited his originalist colleague, Clarence … Continue reading AFTER OVERTURNING ROE v. WADE, COURT LOOKS TO BAN ALL UNPRODUCTIVE SEX

Making Sure Your Prostate Is In Good Hands

A 21 Year-Old’s Investigative Journal  October 2021:   It’s been two months since my Pfizer booster shot. I can’t stop shivering and shaking in the night, I awake and use the restroom at an astounding rate. I’m becoming self conscious of my actions. What do my roommates think of me? They must hear the toilet flush at an average of 5.4 times per night. It must be the … Continue reading Making Sure Your Prostate Is In Good Hands

CU Votes “Todd” as Sole Finalist for Grand Treasurer and Lord of Coin

This Tuesday morning, The Board of Regents announced that they unanimously selected Todd Saliman as the only finalist for the position of President. Saliman has been serving as interim President, a position which oversees the entire system of four universities, after Mark Kennedy’s departure last year.  Saliman has worked for the University administration long before this announcement, handling the university’s budget and finance operations for … Continue reading CU Votes “Todd” as Sole Finalist for Grand Treasurer and Lord of Coin