Koelbel Voted Most Likely Building to Catch COVID-19 for the Second Year In a Row

In an annual poll of a representative sample of CU Boulder students, Koelbel once again took top place for the covid-19 spread on CU’s campus. Koelbel fiercely competed for the top place with the new Rustandy building. Dan Fransisco, a spokesperson for Leeds, sat down with Earth Muffins about the new prize: “We’re really proud … Continue reading Koelbel Voted Most Likely Building to Catch COVID-19 for the Second Year In a Row

Publication Affected as 90% Of Earth Muffins Staff Stricken With Minaj Syndrome

@NICKIMINAJ My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding. So just pray on it & make sure you’re comfortable with ur decision, not bullied 3:44 PM · Sep … Continue reading Publication Affected as 90% Of Earth Muffins Staff Stricken With Minaj Syndrome

Ode to Mark

The tides have turned away from you, O Chief,  emblem of our home!  Our heart untrue, our canting mouthpiece,  go now and roam! Be that which you never were, The proud beast you spurn At odds with each and all of our views, you spoke for us as we spoke of you Caller of Snow, … Continue reading Ode to Mark

Trump Advises Biden on How to Deal With Afghanistan Fiasco

Last weekend, in a surprising show of generosity and goodwill, Donald Trump reached out to the disputed winner of the 2020 Presidential race, Joe Biden, to help him deal with the aftermath of the U.S. pull-out from Afghanistan.  “You know,” the ex-President said, “I’ve had my own share of unsuccessful pull-outs.  Did you really think … Continue reading Trump Advises Biden on How to Deal With Afghanistan Fiasco

Man Early to Class Forced to Make Meaningless, Awkward Lap Around Norlin Quad

Boulder, CO – University of Colorado student Travis Barker arrived fifteen languid minutes early to class and was forced to hunker down and walk an utterly meaningless and slightly awkward lap around Norlin Quad.  “This is so embarrassing,” said Barker, “I don’t wanna be the guy who’s, like, super early and just sits there alone … Continue reading Man Early to Class Forced to Make Meaningless, Awkward Lap Around Norlin Quad

The Origins of Sydney Powell’s “No Reasonable Person” Defense

In ancient Athens, Socrates was accused of impiety and corrupting the youth of the city-state.  History has famously memorialized the philosopher’s statement that “I am to this city as to a lazy horse which is besieged by a stinging fly who will never stop rousing and reproving you.” Few recall, however, that facing his certain … Continue reading The Origins of Sydney Powell’s “No Reasonable Person” Defense

President Kennedy’s Statement about International Students

CU’s more than 4,000 international students are vital contributors to the university’s bottom line. In the April 2021 President’s Newsletter, Mark Kennedy outlined the benefits that international students bring to the four campuses of the University of Colorado.  Earth Muffins’ investigative reporter Boe Jiden has obtained an early draft of President Kennedy’s statement, where his editors … Continue reading President Kennedy’s Statement about International Students