Month: January 2020

Breaking News

Breakthroughs in Cancer: Teen to Cure Cancer Learns to Use a Pipet

Earlier today a major breakthrough in cancer research was made in the dank 2nd basement of Porter Biosciences. Becca, one of CU’s bright eyed and bushy tailed freshman learned how to use a pipet in her introductory biology course. “I’ve just like been interested in curing cancer my entire life because I want to like help people…oh and I’m also a cancer sign!” Properly operating … Continue reading Breakthroughs in Cancer: Teen to Cure Cancer Learns to Use a Pipet

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Op-Ed

A List of People That Would Make a Better President Than Mark Kennedy

Faculty and students alike were outraged by the selection of Mark Kennedy to succeed Bruce Benson as President of CU. Critics claim his experience is inadequate and his voting record as a congressman is contrary to the values of the University. To the additional displeasure of university affiliates, the regents selected Mark Kennedy as their only finalist for the position, undermining the final vote. The … Continue reading A List of People That Would Make a Better President Than Mark Kennedy

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Breaking News

Goddammit, The Geese Are Back

The spring season can be a stressful time for CU students, taking on a new course load and all the long hours that come with it . However, not all sources of stress come from school — the fall season brings with it also a certain anserine threat. Our field correspondent, Rhys Rueffert, reports on this issue from CU Campus:  “God fucking damn it, the … Continue reading Goddammit, The Geese Are Back

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On Campus

Alferd Packer Grill Opens Human Flesh Station

This past Monday, Food and Dining Services at the University of Colorado unveiled a brand-new station at the Alferd Packer Restaurant & Grill in the UMC – human flesh. That’s right, joining the ranks of other stations such as El Canibal Mexican specialties, the Slumgullion Pass Grill, and Al’s Lodge Noodle Bowl is the Frank Miller Memorial Grill, named for  a companion of Alferd Packer … Continue reading Alferd Packer Grill Opens Human Flesh Station

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