Alferd Packer Grill Opens Human Flesh Station

This past Monday, Food and Dining Services at the University of Colorado unveiled a brand-new station at the Alferd Packer Restaurant & Grill in the UMC – human flesh. That’s right, joining the ranks of other stations such as El Canibal Mexican specialties, the Slumgullion Pass Grill, and Al’s Lodge Noodle Bowl is the Frank Miller Memorial Grill, named for  a companion of Alferd Packer on his fateful journey in 1874.

A CU Spokesperson had this to say about the new station: “We were inspired by the old adage that you are what you eat; we want our students to be human beings”. Health experts are coming around to the benefits of human flesh, too. According to the press release from the University, it’s a great source of protein and can even improve stamina. When asked about the moral implications sourcing the human flesh for the grill, a CU spokesperson said, “Oh, don’t even worry about that. We use prisoners. It’s fine.”

 One truly puzzling aspect of this new food station, though, are its whimsical names. Whereas at other stations, food is simply called by its name, i.e “chicken sandwich” or “noodle bowl,” dishes at the Frank Miller Memorial Grill include the rather fun-sounding “Oingo Boingo Funhouse Burger,” the mysterious “Silly Steve’s Special Steak,” the dubious “Vegan Breakfast Sports Blast” and the wholly ambiguous “Deluxe Food Party Time”. These oddly named dishes raise a myriad of questions: Why are they named like this? How will students know what they’re ordering? Is this station sponsored by the band Oingo Boingo? Is human flesh vegan?  Seemingly, the only thing that can really be gleaned from this is that CU wants human flesh to be fun and accessible, an admirable cause given CU’s drive for health and humanity among the student body.