Goddammit, The Geese Are Back

The spring season can be a stressful time for CU students, taking on a new course load and all the long hours that come with it . However, not all sources of stress come from school — the fall season brings with it also a certain anserine threat. Our field correspondent, Rhys Rueffert, reports on this issue from CU Campus:  “God fucking damn it, the geese are back and they’re already shitting EVERYWHERE. It’s like I can’t walk two fucking feet without stepping in goose shit, like can I walk to class without having to play fucking minesweeper by Kitt Pond? It’s a fucking nightmare, I’m telling you. They’re so goddamn confident, too. Cocky motherfuckers. They just sit there and honk at you, I bet I could grab one with my bare fucking hands and snap its neck as a message to all those duck-billed assholes.”  The sheer amount of defecation is not the only issue, though. The simple presence of these migratory menaces tends to put students a little on edge, too. Rhys Rueffert interviews students living on campus about this fearsome aura:

RUEFFERT: How would you say the geese around campus make you feel?

STUDENT 1: I don’t know, just like, really uncomfortable. Like I should stay away from them, but I don’t really know why. It just feels like something bad would happen to me if I got too close. And also they give me chills, sometimes, ya know? I look at a goose and my blood just runs cold. Sometimes I see them in my dreams. You know what I mean?

This same phenomenon was corroborated by another anonymous student living on campus:

RUEFFERT: Do the geese around campus make you uncomfortable?

STUDENT 2: Yeah, you could say that. It’s not exactly uncomfortable, really, more like super off-putting. The geese just seem out of place, like they’re different from other animals, but not in any way that you can see, you just kinda feel it. Like they know something you don’t. Do you know what I mean?

RUEFFERT: Could you expand on that at all?

STUDENT 2: Not really, it’s more of just a feeling…

RUEFFERT: Okay, let’s try a little word association game. What’s the first thing that pops into your head when I say the word “goose”?

STUDENT 2: Capacity

RUEFFERT: Capacity for what?

STUDENT 2: I’m not really sure, they seem just seem capable.

Unsettling as these testimonies may be, there are ways for students to avoid the wrath of these crafty creatures. Here are our suggestions for dealing with geese on campus:

  1. Shoot them with a gun
  2. Throw rocks at their tiny, creepy heads
  3. Appease their dark appetites with C4C Mac and cheese 
  4. Tailor a goose corpse into a fashionable jacket 
  5. Conquer their will in the ritual of Chüd

Hopefully, these tips will serve you well as you navigate the turbulent, geese-infested waters of the CU Campus in the coming semester.