In a report released Monday February 10th, US News and World Report officially ranked CSU as the worst school of all time in the entire universe. Generally, US News ranks the best colleges, and ignores any school that ranks below #400, however, the author of this report felt it was high time that USNWR recognized both sides of the spectrum.

Several factors contributed to CSU’s abysmal ranking. From the report: “The students are all dumb idiots, the faculty have no qualifications. The campus is just stupid, I mean, where are the flatirons?” Later, “The food is disgusting, full of toenails and hair. And the dorm mattresses are full of rocks, I bet”.

The author of the report later hints to his alma mater in the statement: “If they’re such a great school, how come we beat them in football nearly every year?”

Addressing concerns of the sudden widening in scope from US college rankings to Universe college rankings, the author says “I mean, can you imagine a worse school existing? I sure can’t.”

Included in the report is a response from CSU administration speaking to their ranking.

“Oh woe as me, our terrible school was finally exposed to the world in all it’s terribleness. How are we supposed to lure unsuspecting victims prospective students to our campus now? How dare you foil our plot US News and World Report!”

While author Kark Mennedy’s bias is questionable, he does raise some good points. CSU sucks pretty bad.