So, your 7 year old kid just joined baseball, or soccer, or hockey. Great job! You did it! But, what you didn’t realize was how this activity, which was originally meant to get your kid off of Fortnite and to be more active, would change you. Your life now belongs to your kid’s sport, and here is a guide of steps to make sure you move into your new role perfectly!

The money, time, and energy spent is not just so “Justin” can learn teamwork or any of that liberal crap. This is an investment! Have you seen how much LeBron makes every year? He bought his mom a new house, car, and she never has to work again. That is your goal. Quit that dumb desk job of yours and gear up, this is your new life. Trust me, it will pay off in the end.

Know that your kid is the best in the program.

Ask, no, demand that they start every. single. minute. of every. single. game. Sorry, Nancy, Joshua sucks ass. It is your kid who is now the poster child of the sport. Sure he made D team instead of A team, but that’s just because Coach Dan has his head up his ass. I even heard Coach Dan went to prison one time. Can we really have this druggy thug decide what OUR future is?

The referees are always wrong.

Every single call, no matter how obvious, should bring you up off of your seat and screaming. That kid looks 15, and sure I don’t know what ‘offsides’ is, but that piece of shit is being bribed. Note: it may take a while for your inner animal to come out, but trust me, you would be breaking the norms if you DIDN’T think that these ‘trained professionals’’ aren’t part of the deep state.

Accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.

This may sound off topic, but trust me, if Jesus can heal a blind man then he sure as hell can get your kid to score a hat trick.

There are ALWAYS college scouts in the stands.

I actually read on one of my Facebook groups that scouts for colleges and professional teams will disguise themselves and peruse around local sports games to sniff out talent early. This all draws back to getting your kid playing. If he just sits on the bench then how in the world can he get more exposure?

Always have lawyers on retainer.

I spend $50,000 a year for my New York big wigs. You know why? Because if Coach fucking Dan screws my kid out of minutes, then that is my future at stake. Think of the millions of dollars of future damages if your kid isn’t on the field if a goal is scored. 

Get drunk and fight.

There is a fine art to youth sport fights; the key is it all comes down to attention. If you beat up some other jackass good enough, then soon news crews will show up to your games and you’ll be an internet sensation! Always show how much you care that your team beats the ‘Alcorn Bears’. Kids will mirror their parents, and if you care enough, then they will care too. My cousin Jeff almost killed a guy and now his daughter is going to Delaware Community College on a full athletic scholarship.

Keep Satanism as a backup plan.

This may seem contradictory to what I said earlier, but deals with the devil are always something nice to fall back on. I’ve killed four sheep, two oxen, ran over an old lady once, and perform my nightly rituals of self-bleeding sacrifice. Things are already starting to look up!

Kill everyone who stands in your way.

Make ‘Coach Dan’ disappear. A little known fact is that Jeffrey Dahmer was actually supporting his son’s hockey career. The fewer people there are in the world to take draft positions from your kid, the better. There are only a finite number of sports players and even fewer scholarships… Take them all out.

A little cocaine goes a long way.

Sneak some into your kid’s juice and watch them bounce off of the walls with a second wind. Not only does it act as an energy supplement, but you can hold their addiction hostage if they don’t perform to your expectations.

Lock your kid in the basement.

They do not need friends or an accessible way to contact CPS. You raised this little shit and now he is your future. Throw down some dumbbells, protein powder, and steroids and watch them buff up in no time! This is your kid. You don’t want to do this to them, but you have to. If you feel guilty, that makes all of this ok. When they make the Olympics then they can pay for therapy. Until then, start locking away!

Bring snacks.

If you are doing everything right, then you should always run out of energy half way through. Orange slices, Luna Bars, pretzels, all of those things are to make sure your energy is up and you are on the top of your game! Bonus points if you bring the kids snacks too, always remember to make sure your little money maker has everything they need to succeed.