This Saturday it was announced that in addition to running the field at half time, the newest Ralphie, Ralphie VI, has been drafted as the first-string running back for the Colorado Buffaloes. In true Air Bud fashion, new buffs head coach Karl Dorrell says the draft was possible due to a loophole in the rules.
“There’s no rule explicitly stating that a Buffalo can’t be drafted onto a college football team. In fact, there is no rule stating that any of the players have to be human. I fully expect a college football renaissance where well-trained animals make up the majority of players on the field. Think about it. Chimpanzee quarterbacks guarded by hippopotamuses hucking balls to falcons carrying baskets. The possibilities are endless.”
Despite Dorrell’s optimism, the Buffs are currently the only college football team to exploit this loophole. He continues:
“It only makes sense, I mean the Ralphie handlers have already trained her to run up and down the field, it only took a couple weeks to train her to hold a football in her mouth.”
Despite no rule stating that animals can’t play in the NCAA, there were concerns about Ralphie being a female in the male league.
“No one outside of Boulder knows that Ralphie is actually a girl, and since Ralphie is a boy’s name, if no one snitches, we should be fine.”
Many in the CU community have raised concerns as to the player’s safety with a full-grown buffalo on the field, but the data is in: having a 1000 lb animal in play actually lowers the rate of concussions experienced in American Football.
Karl Dorrell himself commented on the safety concerns.
“Ralphie sent Leviska flying in practice yesterday, but as soon as our trainers snap his leg back into place and patch up the horn hole in his torso, he’ll be back in tip top shape.”
Tabloids in Fort Collins have latched onto the rumor that Ralphie has been using illegal performance enhancing drugs, but this is of no worry to the football program for several reasons.
- Ralphie is a wonderful, perfect creature who can do no wrong
- There are no rules stating specifically that Buffalo can’t dope
- I’m pretty sure these reporters don’t want beef with a juiced up buffalo
If this can’t get us ranked in the 2020-21 season, I don’t know what will.