New Zoom Update Filters Out Existential Crises

Zoom just announced today that their newest update will filter out anything on camera that indicates an existential crisis. This is great news for students and business people around the country, who are not only having a crisis outside their homes, but also inside their minds. Developers at Zoom know that online learning is extremely difficult to transition to, and although they may not care about your privacy, they do care about how you look to your peers. The filter automatically gets rid of items in the background that indicate the destabilization of your mental health, such as multiple empty wine, whiskey and beer bottles, as well as dirty bongs and the slowly building mass of bags of delivered takeout.

Having a mental breakdown during the middle of your class? Don’t worry! The facial recognition technology will detect it and automatically shut off your internet, that way your other fellow students won’t be distracted by your gentle yet persistent sobbing. This update also includes the ability to remove your scraggly quarantine beard, and changes the color of the hoodie you’ve been wearing for the last three days. Further updates have been announced for the future including a feature that stops your family from arguing so much. It seems that the future of Zoom is promising, and the loss of your privacy inevitable.