New CU COVID-19 Defense System Put in Place

CU Boulder has decided to reopen its campus for the semester, and while measures are being taken to ensure classes proceed safely and effectively, concerns about the spread of COVID-19 still permeate a concerned student body. In an effort to alleviate these concerns, CU President Mark Kennedy released a statement via email in which he detailed his new plan for limiting the spread of disease into CU’s campus.

Kennedy’s plan consists of installing a single “campus guardian” to defend the campus from disease – a huge puma by the name of Justice. According to the email, Justice has been personally trained by Mark Kennedy to patrol CU’s campus day and night while the fall semester is underway, stopping any sick people from entering and “preventing any malicious particles from breaching our perimeter” in the words of Kennedy.

Kennedy detailed his reasoning behind this shocking plan in his email: “Justice is 250 lbs of sleek, powerful defensive power and is undetectable to the human eye when she chooses to be so. I am confident she will prevent any so-called ‘Covid’ from entering our sacred halls.” While a cougar is not the most scientifically backed method of disease prevention, the simple presence of a large, protective cat on campus could help boost morale in what is a very tumultuous time to be a CU student.

This comfort is only enhanced by Kennedy’s personal commitment to protecting students, and the genuine sacrifice he made to do so “I’ve raised Justice myself since I was 12 years old; no creature is more dear to my heart. Putting her in danger like this is the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced, maybe anyone has ever experienced. I find solace in my sacrifice solely with the knowledge that our students and faculty will be completely, 100%, safe.”

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