The coronavirus pandemic has been sweeping across the world, with the death toll nearing 100,000 and climbing every day. The U.S. has been forced to respond to the virus through closed schools and self quarantine for almost all non essential workers. Throughout the crisis, one of capitalism’s most famous divas has flown largely under the radar; the oil industry.

We interviewed some top execs at OPEC that have elected to remain anonymous for fear of retribution. “They say all press is good press, and we’ve been capitalizing on that for years. As an industry our inaction has led to our falling behind the coronavirus epidemic, we should’ve taken some precautionary steps months ago. At this point we have no hope of being front page news in places like New York – Cuomo has that shit on lockdown already. Through concerted efforts we are continuing the price war and we’ve lowered our expectations. If we can be relevant in smaller markets like Colorado and continue making life more stressful along with the coronavirus, we’ll know we did our jobs.”

Our reporters then asked about Putin and MBS, how they’re handling life on the small stage during the pandemic. “The price war has been difficult to manage because they’re both taking it rather poorly, this is the first time America has ignored them in some time. They do realize the U.S. has other things going on right now, but I think they’re both just missing the late night twitter dms from Trump at this point.” Putin and MBS have not issued any formal statements.