Coming next quarantine to Netflix is a hastily produced and shoddily sourced story of the shocking behind-the-scenes world of college mascot handling.
“We weren’t sure if Tiger King was a success because of the quirky characters and cute tiger cubs, or simply because everyone in the world had absolutely nothing better to do,” said Netflix CEO Wilmot Hastings in a Zoom interview which led to the complete takeover of this author’s root operating system.
“But we’re not taking any chances,” continued Hastings, who prefers to be called “Reed” because “Wilmot” sounds like the offspring of Wilma Flintstone and Rosey the Robot from The Jetsons. “We’ve seen bat flus, bird flus and swine flus, we need to have a show ready for whatever animal forces us to quarantine next. My money is on the aardvark, but it could just as easily be an armadillo flu. Our crack investigative team began immediately looking for the next set of random lives we could ruin with cameras. Someone discovered that they keep Ralphie the Buffalo in a secret location, and that her handlers have been concealing her gender identity for decades. We immediately began recreating the murder scenes we knew we’d find in Boulder.”
The new series will follow the rivalries between the cultish family of cowboy hat wearing buffalo handlers at the University of Colorado and their shady conspiracy of rival schools throughout the country. The main narrative focus will be ongoing adversarial relationship between Ralphie’s handlers and the sheep-loving Cam the Ram Handlers at the Colorado Agricultural and Mechanical College. The CAM handler program has recently been embroiled in scandals of discrimination from whistleblowers inside the program.
“Look,” said T-Stratt, Ralphie Handler Program Manager, “we need to know for sure if Joyce McConnell plans to put all Asian-Indian Ram Handlers through the hay baler and feed them to her sheep. I mean, it’s like a .001% chance because she’s pretty cool, but all conspiracy theories need to see the light of day in the name of good TV.”
T-Stratt is the self-given nickname of Taylor Stratton Maldonado Baskin Robbins Exotic, who is undergoing scrutiny of her own surrounding her addiction to queso and shady ties to Tanzania.
Episodes of the series will focus on questions like “Ralphie’s a girl? Who had the balls to check?” “Where exactly is the Stanford Cardinal and why did it fly away?” “What connection do Wilbur and Wilma Wildcat have to Carol Baskin and did her ex-husband taste good?” and “Who told OSU it was a good idea to shave Benny Beaver?”