Mark Did it Again

Colorado is known to have drastic changes in weather from day to day, but Tuesday’s persistent snowfall was still notable as the earliest snow in recent memory. This may seem like another classic Colorado sixty-degree temperature swing, or the result of global warming’s mounting impact on weather patterns, but the origin of this cold summer weather is actually our very own President of CU, Mark Kennedy. According to a press release from CU Tuesday morning, the snowfall is actually a result of groundbreaking weather engineering technology, a collaboration between researchers in the Atmospheric and Oceanic Sciences and Chemical Engineering departments. Mark Kennedy elaborates in the press release:

“It is my genuine hope that this miraculous snowfall will eradicate COVID-19 from our campus once and for all. Justice may yet valiantly prowl our premises, but the sick spreads still. Thus, I have decided that we must do everything in our power to stop it.

 My aides tell me the sickness doesn’t take well to cooler beings.We may not be able to stop students from partying, but we can make the weather bend to our will! This is a feat at which the whole world will marvel! Plus, everyone will stay inside. That’s a good thing, right?”

The presence of Kennedy’s mountain lion, Justice, on campus in the Spring was justified under the guise of virus prevention, but resulted in numerous injuries to students and staff, and left members of the University afraid to step foot on campus. While fewer students on campus is a safe bet for reducing exposure to the virus, loss of limbs is not, and the decision to keep the lion on campus was met with much criticism from the community. It seems critical for both Kennedy’s reputation and the safety of Boulder that this new strategy pays off. Only time will tell if this artificial snowfall is an epic blunder or the key to fighting COVID-19.