In a recent email from Chancellor Phil DiStefano, students and staff were warned of the rising COVID-19 cases, and asked to begin complying with public health protocols. The stinger, however, came at the end of the email.

“If you filthy plague rats can’t keep your masks on and stay in your dorms we’ll have to move fully online. And no, of course we won’t be refunding your tuition. Why would we choose to take less money? Ludicrous. Besides, we’ve almost filled the Buff Pool completely with gold coins, and Mark says I can come to the pool party he’s throwing when it’s full.”

When asked to comment on his allocation of campus resources, President Kennedy had this to say:

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing from the student body about refunding tuition. Sure, the University has far fewer expenses when campus is empty, but filling a swimming pool with gold coins and taking a grandiose dive into it like Scrooge McDuck has been a dream of mine since I was a kid. I don’t understand why these students can’t all just chip in so I can realize a lifelong goal”