Month: October 2020

Politics

AOC Brings Among Us Tactics to Capitol Hill

On October 21st, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez broke from traditional ideas of how politicians should communicate with their constituents by livestreaming the hit deception game “Among Us” to viewers across the country.  Troubling news has emerged from Washington, however, that AOC may have been unduly influenced by her time playing Among Us with fellow Representative, Ilhan Omar. On Friday, October 23rd, during a meeting on national … Continue reading AOC Brings Among Us Tactics to Capitol Hill

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Breaking News

Chaos At Cottonwood Farms: An Account Of The Fate Of Boulder’s Pumpkins

On September 30th, 2020, the pumpkins and gourds of Cottonwood Farms’ pumpkin patch held a meeting to discuss their concerns for this fall season, and hired Earth Muffins reporter Boe Jiden to act as secretary to their assembly. This is what Boe recorded.  Pumpking: Hear ye, hear ye, O pumpkins! I now proclaim this assembly to order! I come to ye grandiose gourds to prepare … Continue reading Chaos At Cottonwood Farms: An Account Of The Fate Of Boulder’s Pumpkins

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Breaking News

President Kennedy Cancels Weekends to Halt COVID-19 Spread

In a surprising move, CU President Mark Kennedy announced that students will not have weekends for the spring semester. “Considering the cases in Boulder County and Colorado,” Kennedy shared, “we are taking preemptive steps to mitigate the spread of COVID-19.” The policy will begin in January. On October 22, the assistant to the Important Administrator (aka “Dwight”) notified students that spring break in 2021 will … Continue reading President Kennedy Cancels Weekends to Halt COVID-19 Spread

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Sports

Baseball?

You guys have heard of baseball, right? I’m pretty sure it involves some guys that run around a field and throw around a ball. My dad used to take me out to a field and toss around a ball with me, and that could have been baseball, but I’m not sure. He never said “let’s go play some baseball, son,” he would only say “Let’s … Continue reading Baseball?

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Breaking News

The Happiest Place on Earth

Last Wednesday, October 14, the US News & World Report ranked Boulder as the best place to live in the United States. The ranking is just another year of Boulder dominating these leaderboards, largely because of a lobbying group formed by suburban Boulderites several years ago. Boulder Erudites Participating in Schemes (BEPIS) is a lobbying organization dedicated to furthering the interests of the community. We … Continue reading The Happiest Place on Earth

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On Campus

November Election Confounds CU Students

It’s election season, and for CU sophomore Joshua Richardson that means endless confusion about the civic process. “I mean, it’s all so complicated, you know? I just don’t know what to do,” Joshua told Earth Muffins. On CU’s campus, Joshua is not alone: many students are confused about voting procedures. Paula Marcelino, a strategic communications major, shared her frustrations with Earth Muffins: I received my … Continue reading November Election Confounds CU Students

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Sports

Coach Karl Dorell Buried Quarterback Tyler Lytle Alive And Wants YOU To Find Him!

Football season is a’brewin’, and the Buffs are biting at the bit to get back to the gridiron. With their first game right around the corner on November 7th against the great UCLA Bruins, it’s time to get hype. It’s time to get that autumn blood flowin’, and with great respect the athletic department’s PR team has given Earth Muffins exclusive access to announce to … Continue reading Coach Karl Dorell Buried Quarterback Tyler Lytle Alive And Wants YOU To Find Him!

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Op-Ed

Line Between Reality and Satire Blurs Completely After Trump Taliban Endorsement

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s finally happened. As the world and our collective psyche has deteriorated over the past decade, we have all become more accustomed to accepting ridiculous news stories every day. Remember when Obama wearing a tan suit was a national news story? Those were the days. Nowadays, you would read “Trump Linked to Infant Cannibalism Ring”, and just sort of… accept it and … Continue reading Line Between Reality and Satire Blurs Completely After Trump Taliban Endorsement

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Breaking News

Boulder County’s Restrictions on 18-22 Year Olds Lead To Spike In Fake ID Sales

The students of Boulder have had a tumultuous first half of the semester; COVID protocols and safety guidelines have decimated almost all social activities and everyone has been asked to socially distance for the sake of the community. Just recently, however, there was a restriction placed on all 18-22 year olds requiring that any gathering of more than two people was prohibited if one or … Continue reading Boulder County’s Restrictions on 18-22 Year Olds Lead To Spike In Fake ID Sales

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Breaking News

Aliens Are Invading. LET’S FUCKING GOOO!!!!!!!

Fuck yes. City sized spaceships hover all around the world. Oh my god. They look super badass, and the incoherent screeches blaring constantly go so dummy, so, so, hard. This is so dope. All birds in the world pattern the sky in dynamic beauty as they suicidally flock straight into the vaporizing force fields enclosing the alien ships, crashing one after the other like zap … Continue reading Aliens Are Invading. LET’S FUCKING GOOO!!!!!!!

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