Cosmo’s Pizza Endures Protests for Promoting Large Gatherings During Pandemic

Boulder police were compelled to tear gas a mostly-peaceful gathering of Antizza activists when one local dingus who hasn’t learned to vape yet accidentally ignited a cardboard tower of empty pizza boxes while lighting a cigarette.

Protestors had gathered outside Cosmo’s Pizza on Baseline and 30th to picket what they called the “single largest reason Boulder doesn’t socially distance.”  That reason?  Cosmo’s incredible 1809 square inches of mouthgasm-inducing greasy goodness.

Chanting slogans like “Save a life, buy a slice” and carrying giant signs made from 50 inch unfolded cardboard boxes, the protestors demanded Cosmos reduce their pizza size to discourage super-spreader events on the CU campus.

“Everyone knows that it takes at least 19 people to eat a large Cosmo,” Said Antizza leader Pepper O’Neill, who travelled more than 1300 miles from Chaz, WA to attend the protest. 

“Current campus commandments forbid gathering in groups larger than zero, and Cosmo’s is making that impossible by delivering a pizza that demands you invite all your friends to help you eat it or die of cholesterol-induced cheese toxicity.”

A recent WHO-funded study shows that the average large pizza size in America is a Covid-appropriate 14 inches in diameter, or 615 square inches if you actually paid attention in that remedial geometry class and know how to square the radius of a circle and multiply it by pie.  (Which you don’t because you didn’t, because you were daydreaming about pizza and beer and that cute sophomore in the front row back when you were actually allowed to go to class). That’s barely 1/3 the size of a large Cosmo’s pizza, which is roughly equal to one of those front wheels on an old-timey bicycle.

Founder and owner of Cosmo’s Pizza Ryan Shorter did not immediately respond to Earth Muffins’ request for a comment but if he had we’re pretty sure he would have said something like, “Would you like an extra side of spicy ranch?”

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