In perhaps the greatest misleading-statistics crossover of all time, the University of Colorado has enlisted a team of sports analysts from ESPN to work on the newest edition of the COVID-19 dashboard.

“The analysts’ ability to conjure meaningless statistics in order to fill air time is really going to bring our dashboard to the next level. I’m elated to have them along for the 9th redesign of the dashboard” Said Bumbo McGuile, Vice Provost for Dashboards at CU Boulder.

Earth Muffins Reporters have been given an early look at “Dashboard IX” and the statistics are truly astonishing. Total Cases is nowhere to be found, but I only realized so after 45 minutes of navigating the dashboard. In its place are much more interesting statistics.

As it turns out, CU’s “Cases of Covid/Cases of Natty Light” statistic is at a mere 0.1. Additionally, CU’s “Positive Case per Incompetent Administrator” statistic is right around the nationwide average of 10.

In a shocking turn, the analysts even went so far as to break down cases by major, finally confirming what we all suspected; 100% of cases in the university are attributed to business majors who misunderstood the message of Wolf of Wall Street.