The students of Boulder have had a tumultuous first half of the semester; COVID protocols and safety guidelines have decimated almost all social activities and everyone has been asked to socially distance for the sake of the community.
Just recently, however, there was a restriction placed on all 18-22 year olds requiring that any gathering of more than two people was prohibited if one or both parties fell in that age range.
Going to the store has to be done solo, as does walking to your car, as does taking out the trash. As one student on popular forum Reddit put it, “ya can’t have shit in Boulder”. As members of the media, we often focus on the issues and not as much on the solutions, so the EarthMuffins team has spent hours trying to find out how students are dealing with these new rules and how they will react going forward.
After much digging around, we have discovered that a spike in fake ID purchases has accompanied these new restrictions, but not in the way many would expect. Last week, I sat down with a distributor of these fakes to try and get to the bottom of this issue. At the witnesses request, we will censor all identifying information to maintain anonymity, as the production of fake IDs is illegal and is a national felony. The following is the transcript of this interview.
Source: “Hello, it’s nice to finally sit down with a reporter and spread my story.”
Me: “Yes, it really is. Just for my reference, what moniker do you go by in your business?”
Source: “Off the record, my name is
Mark Kennedy but I go by Big Dipper”.
Me: “How interesting. From what I’ve gathered, you are a supplier of fake IDs, is that correct?”
Me: “And how have these new protocols affected your business activities?”
Source: “These new protocols have helped business boom, students are now buying IDs to pass as 17 year olds to go get groceries, walk home in pairs, and get food. We- I mean, the administration has really had the support of the campus police in enforcing that anyone 18-22 shall not gather in any group size of 2 or larger so to do normal, mundane activities many of the students have gone around this law by getting fakes for being underage so they don’t apply to these new guidelines”.
Me: “How interesting. Do you think the administration should change these rules so that college students don’t have to buy expensive fakes in order to feel safe in their community?”
Source: “I personally think the administration is doing a perfect job handling this pandemic, and, may I add, that president of theirs is quite handsome. Besides that, I think this is better for the students because it teaches them that in order to succeed in life they will need to pay some sort of premium. Students should get used to paying more for less. Tuition costs are going to rise, dorm costs are going up, and that handsome president is making an investment to install a second private bathroom for his office, so I believe students needing to buy fake IDs in order to walk home at night safely is just getting them prepared for the real world”.
Me: “A lot of students will be willing to go around the legal systems in order to bypass these restrictions, where would a student be able to purchase your products?”
Source: “I will always be hanging around the pool filled with gold coins. If any student wants to purchase a fake, it will cost just 4 meal swipes”.
Me: “What a story, finding a business solution to a real world problem. We all applaud you Big Dipper. Thank you for your time”.
Source: “Any time.”
The interview then ended when the source started uncontrollably crying and wiping his tears with $100 bills.
This has been WeCU reporting with EarthMuffins, investigative journalism at its finest. Stay safe and come back soon for the next breaking news story.