Football season is a’brewin’, and the Buffs are biting at the bit to get back to the gridiron. With their first game right around the corner on November 7th against the great UCLA Bruins, it’s time to get hype. It’s time to get that autumn blood flowin’, and with great respect the athletic department’s PR team has given Earth Muffins exclusive access to announce to you the most high stakes, wackadoodle, and incomprehensible fan fun for the family ever to exist. Head Coach Karl Dorell buried starting quarterback Tyler Lytle alive, and wants YOU to find him!
That’s right, fellow buffs! Karl wants YOU to find our quarterback, with a chance to win a sit in on a team meeting (on Zoom, and you have to stay mute the whole time. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.)! Wow! And not only that, while Tyler might be able to create some space in the secondary, he sure doesn’t have enough air down there to escape the pocket (or, in this analogy, a tight, dark wooden coffin)! So get up, show your buff pride, and find our quarterback, buried alive!
Renowned Earth Muffins reporter Boe Jiden talked to Coach Karl about some clues on his hidden player.
“So coach, you’re covered in dirt head to toe. I mean, look at you! You look disgusting! Why did you go through all this trouble? Huh? It sure seems like it was a heckuvalotta work. Why? Was it for the fans?” Boe said.
“Oh most certainly not,” said Karl, “but sure. Why, not? For the fans, yes, anything. I love all the fans. They’re my favorite.”
“Uh, ok. Well, buff nation is really excited about this, and a bit concerned, I think. They’re eager to hear the first clue, so why don’t you, Coach, start off this great race with a good hint?” Boe asked.
“Sure, sure, the stupid fans deserve the best! Of course, of course, a hint. Hm,” Karl pondered, “ah, I got it! You Faithless Fans, go to the grocery store that shares the first letter of my name, and there I will give you another hint!”
“Oh, so, Costco?” Boe said.
“What? Costco? Cost-co? What did you just say?” Karl said.
“Yeah, cause you’re Carl, with a, C, wait…or is it.. no…”
“It’s Karl, with a K!! A K, not a C, okay? What the hell man? Do you know how much I’ve had to overcome in my career? Unbelievable! Mr. Jiden, you’re driving me mad. Mad, I say! MAD!”
“I’m sorry, I just think that it’s insane to spell Carl with a K, and-”
At this point, the interview was cut off, but so was Tyler Lytle’s oxygen supply, don’t forget! Our head coach buried him somewhere around here, and now’s our chance to get not only the student body, but the football team, fire trucks, ambulances, police, and a Netflix murder mystery documentary team involved with the best fan fun in the whole country.
Get out there, go help your team, and find Tyler! Don’t forget a shovel, or that Tyler has sixteen hours of oxygen left, so put your game face on! It’s football season, baby, and the excitement’s starting early! Sko Buffs!