You guys have heard of baseball, right? I’m pretty sure it involves some guys that run around a field and throw around a ball. My dad used to take me out to a field and toss around a ball with me, and that could have been baseball, but I’m not sure. He never said “let’s go play some baseball, son,” he would only say “Let’s play some ball!” or “Time to throw a ball to each other!” Is ball short for baseball?

I’m pretty confused about the whole thing, but I have to write this “baseball” article to put in the sports section of our website. I tried googling “baseball” to find out more about it, but I only found some old forum posts, and one of them that said baseball isn’t even real. Does anyone even really know what baseball is? I don’t think so, but I guess I have to write about it anyway with my limited knowledge. I will try to give you a run-down on what this enigmatic sport is all about.

From what I understand, baseball is a sport known as “America’s Hotdog” where there is a large field with some bases somewhere within it. People who are hired to participate in this game run around these bases while people throw balls at them and they can defend themselves from these balls with a bat. If they run to all the bases without being struck with a ball, they win a special prize of caramel popcorn, known to baseball players as “Cracker Jacks”*. The players take turns trying to win the popcorn, and they have 9 tries each. After each player takes their turns, the throwers and the runners switch sides. The team with the largest volume of popcorn at the game’s end wins the Big Hotdog. Whether or not eating the delicious prize before the end of the game detracts from your score is unknown, as is the nature of the “Big Hotdog”.

Every year, all players gather in a certain location to form a great flock known as the “World Series”. When all players have joined, they engage in 4-7 days of jubilant celebration and feasting, and, presumably, they play some amount of baseball. It is thought that the main goal of forming the World Series, though, is to celebrate the joy of playing this strange sport. As it happens, this congregation has just concluded, and a band of baseballers from New York have been elected Champions of Baseball, an award presented to the players who express their joy in the most pure and unfettered manner.