CU Administration Enlisting ESPN Analysts to Work On COVID-19 Dashboard

In perhaps the greatest misleading-statistics crossover of all time, the University of Colorado has enlisted a team of sports analysts from ESPN to work on the newest edition of the COVID-19 dashboard. “The analysts’ ability to conjure meaningless statistics in order to fill air time is really going to bring our dashboard to the next level. I’m elated to have them along for the 9th … Continue reading CU Administration Enlisting ESPN Analysts to Work On COVID-19 Dashboard

Cosmo’s Pizza Endures Protests for Promoting Large Gatherings During Pandemic

Boulder police were compelled to tear gas a mostly-peaceful gathering of Antizza activists when one local dingus who hasn’t learned to vape yet accidentally ignited a cardboard tower of empty pizza boxes while lighting a cigarette. Protestors had gathered outside Cosmo’s Pizza on Baseline and 30th to picket what they called the “single largest reason Boulder doesn’t socially distance.”  That reason?  Cosmo’s incredible 1809 square inches … Continue reading Cosmo’s Pizza Endures Protests for Promoting Large Gatherings During Pandemic

Donald Trump Refuses to Denounce Literal Nazi Zombies

After last week’s debate insanity the biggest take away was that Donald Trump, when asked to denounce white supremacy, refused to. Even some of Donald Trump’s own supporters were upset that he didn’t answer probably the single most tee-ball level question of the debate, or any debate for that matter. As the graceful journalists we are at Earth Muffins, we decided to give Trump another … Continue reading Donald Trump Refuses to Denounce Literal Nazi Zombies

Herman Cain’s Ghost Tweets Not To Worry About Coronavirus

In an eerie turn of events that could only occur in Spooktober of 2020, Hermain Cain’s twitter account has become active again, following his untimely demise in late July. Mirroring the President’s sentiment after being discharged from Walter Reed, Herman Cain, now under the twitter handle “Herman the Friendly Ghost” tweeted the following: “After my revolutionary $20,000,000 spectral liberation surgery, I feel better than I … Continue reading Herman Cain’s Ghost Tweets Not To Worry About Coronavirus

Tensions Growing Between Healthy and Infected in CU Dorms

As COVID-19 cases steadily rise at CU, each moment one has to spend on campus can feel like a dangerous trial. The very sight of another person is a terrifying experience . However, there is an even more shocking reality at hand: there are many CU students who actually live on campus. A frightening thought, and worse, they live all together in large buildings that … Continue reading Tensions Growing Between Healthy and Infected in CU Dorms

CU Relocating Students to Chautauqua, Underground Tunnels

The University of Colorado has found itself in a precarious situation. If they send students home now, they’ll have created a public health nightmare by bringing students to campus, infecting them, and then sending them across the country. On the other hand, a campus full of infected students has created a nightmare of its own. CU is scrambling to create new spaces for sick students … Continue reading CU Relocating Students to Chautauqua, Underground Tunnels