Breaking News: The President is Actually Selected at Random, and It Just So Happened to be Joe Biden

Millions of mistakes and other Americans watched these past weeks in anxious terror as the presidential election unfolded. The media displayed this race as a true prime-time event, complete with betrayal (Georgia), surprise (my Dad voted for Trump. Haha, Just Kidding! I’m not surprised at all), and lies (everything). But one key fact just emerged that changes absolutely nothing, baffles everything, and does in no way shape or form make my chances of getting a girlfriend any better: The President, according to multiple sources (Joe Rogan, probably) is actually selected at random, and it just so happened to be Joe Biden. 

On the gloomy morning of November 10th, Biden tweeted: “Yooo! Just made a stinky! I’m so random! Lol.” Immediately podcasters took to the studio to decipher this message, where conclusions ranged from the Daily Wire’s assertion that Biden probably shit himself, to Joe Rogan declaring, with special guest the ghost of Herman Cain, that Biden’s randomness spits in the face of the electoral college as we know it today. 

Award winning Earth Muffins reporter John Wilkes Booth spoke to a CU student about this shocking new development. 

“So, what you’re saying is, that anyone could have been president, and the random guy that they selected… is Joe Biden?” Questioned CU freshmen Stokely Chiller, who was absolutely stoked about being interviewed, and turned out to be a big chiller. 

“Precisely, my dude. You or even me could have been president, but I guess we aren’t as lucky as boss man Biden. Say, what would you do if chosen?” asked Booth.

“Well, first of all, I’d require everyone, regardless of background, to loft their bed, and put a futon under it. It’s so crazy that everyone doesn’t do that! I mean, sure, you have to climb up into bed every night, but like, you have so much more room to chill. Think about it, with the nation’s beds lofted, everyone would have a chill hangout room. And if America could catch that vibe, the nation as we know it today would be so much more mellow. Peace is possible under a twin XL mattress. Ya feel me?” Chiller said. 

“I feel you, brother,” replied Booth. Sadly, however, the nation doesn’t feel it. Many people, stretching from the supreme court to family dinner tables, question the validity of the random selection. Though most admit that being president would be a huge pain in the ass, many feel cheated that they were not randomly chosen. John Wilkes Booth spoke to Sally Omega, current CU senior, about this dilemma.

“It’s fishy to me,” said Sally, “that they selected one of the, like, three dudes running for President. Not going to lie though, most my life I’ve been burdened by the weight of living in a democracy. I just hate it so much how things like The Lincoln Project exist, like, I can’t even open twitter without democracy ruining my day. Now that I know that it’s all been chance, luck, even, I feel so much better. Still, if it really were a random selection, I would be president.”

“And why is that?” Booth asked. 

“Well, if I’m being honest, I haven’t been so lucky recently, and I feel like I’m due for getting selected as president or, like, securing a job after graduation. Something like that. I mean, my grades are shit, my parents hate me, and I’ve been on the run ever since I murdered Chris Pratt with my bare hands.”

In other news, Avengers star Chris Pratt is dead.