According to several sources close to the current CU Student Government Administration, tensions and emotions have been high following the leaked news that every election in recent memory has been largely fraudulent.
Reportedly, a member of the Student Government stole classified documents from Mark Kennedy’s office, labeled Operation Election Fraud(little on the nose, Mark?). The whistleblower then shared the document at a closed door Student Government meeting.
President Kennedy, in an attempt to get ahead of the scandal, prepared the following press release:
“Alright folks, the cat’s out of the bag. The votes are fake. Hear me out though. We had no choice. No one votes in these elections! The year that Bruce D Benson started Operation EF, literally only one student voted for Representatives-At-Large. We can’t have one Mech-E student deciding the entire election! Additionally, a primary purpose of Student Government is fostering confidence in the leaders of tomorrow. In 2004, the new Student Body President broke down in tears when it was announced that they won the race 4-3. We can’t have the Student Government knowing how little the Student Body actually thinks about them, it’ll crush their egos. Everyone knows that the ego is the most important part of a politician.”
As revealed at the closed door meeting, because elections are now carried out online, Kennedy’s version of Operation EF involved exploiting the system by submitting hundreds of ballots with fake emails.
When asked to comment, Student Body President Isaiah Chavous said: “We probably should have realized what was happening when a thousand votes that came in this year were from MarkyMark000@hotmail.com-MarkyMark999@hotmail.com.”