If you’re like most students, you’re measly, weak, and often lathered in unscrupulous ooze, using deception, rather than your brain, to try to make gains in a stupid, slowly buring world. Dripping with lies, your worth to society is no more than how much money your parents are making right now- or, wait- did they lie on the FAFSA? Ah, I see, you were born crooked, never meant for our just society. Good news, though, for the few of us who have some integrity around here: There is a new Proctorio Function which allows it to smell trouble, and end your miserable, dishonest life. 

Cheating is a burden you will carry to your death bed. If you were a snail (if any snails are reading this, I’m sorry, you deserve better), I would sprinkle a nice ring of salt around you, and watch in delight as you can do nothing but forget time itself and let your skin burn like how it was always meant to be.

Most, and I’m trying not to vomit as I type this word, students have their crafty ways of getting around a Proctorio sponsored exam. Like little robbers with their eyes on a pot of fool’s gold, they might pull it off, but will always be broken in the end. You can cheat the system all you want, but can you cheat god? I hardly think so, and the new Proctorio function will send you right to the man upstairs, where there will be no place to hide your phone before the eyes of our creator. 

Thankfully, with new and improved technology, Proctorio can now detect deviousness, and emit an invisible, odorless gas that paralyzes the nervous system, while searing your lungs from within. You won’t be able to scream, and certainly not to appeal to any of your professors, for Proctorio is final, Proctorio is god; worship her, and you shall be spared. 

Proctorio gave an official press release upon the announcement of the new era of learning with integrity. 

“We here at Proctorio hate students with a passion. The assumption that college students exist to learn, and not to cheat, is, in our eyes, a disrespect to everything sacramental. Monitoring these pagans is not enough to stop the real epidemic of dishonesty that has gripped our country. Any signs of suspicion, general unattractiveness, or any sort of trouble is enough for our new function to sniff out that the test taker is a miserable excuse for a homo homosapien, and one that must be purged from the moral community immediately. The more that suffer, the more that believe, and the better the world.”

Some think they have the right to call out Proctorio for their “unjust” and “invasive” mechanics, like they’re not a sloppy dirty cheater anyway. If you dare speak out against Proctorio, first, whatever post you made will be deleted immediately. It’s not free speech if you yell “fire!” in a theatre; it’s simply better to burn, and burn you will. Proctorio will, secondly, take you and your snobby family to a serene field in western Wyoming, where you and your loved ones can enjoy the astonishing beauty of nature, of a world which you are unfit for, and you will watch as each of those you hold dear gets shot in the head, one by one, until it’s your turn. 

Sharpshooting Earth Muffins reporter John Wilkes Booth talked to an increasingly rare breed, a honest CU student, Greg Grambly about the benefits of learning with integrity. 

“Yes. That is correct. I love Proctorio. It made me. It will make you. Love is free. Be free. Love your master. Love Proctorio. Hell is unproctored exam. I am so happy. Not once am I sad. Proctorio is, Proctorio loves, Proctorio feeds, Proctorio norish…” Grambly rambled on in perfect pitch and uniformity, demonstrating just how effective Proctorio can be in transforming you from an independent human capable of eating the forbidden fruit, to a god-granted guardian of the tree of knowledge. Those who follow the rules get to forever dine in the Garden of Eden, unabashed by liars and slithering demons the like. 

Don’t play with fire. Don’t look off-screen. Don’t question god. Instead, try studying a couple of days in advance, regardless of whatever pointless deadline you think matters, for nothing really matters, except the utmost holy of holies: Proctorio.