Several news sources reported today that Donald Trump, Jr. tested positive for coronavirus earlier this week.  Since that time, the President’s son has been isolating in his cabin.  Reports indicate that, to this point, Trump Jr. has been asymptomatic.  Politicians on both sides of the aisle were quick to send their thoughts and prayers as were numerous journalists and correspondents.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer: “I send him my sincere wishes for a speedy recovery.”

CNN Commentator Anderson Cooper: “I hope that the disease is short-lived.”

MSNBC Commentator Rachel Maddow: “I am not surprised given his cavalier attitude about the disease but I am still saddened to learn the news.”

Earth Muffins has been successful in uncovering the truth behind these sentiments. Our sources have learned the context and full extent of these statements.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer: “I send him my sincere wishes for a speedy recovery from the mental illness he inherited from his father but I doubt that is possible.  So, instead I can only hope that the coronavirus kills the little bastard or at least renders him incapable of egging on his father in his attempts to overthrow the election.”

CNN Commentator Anderson Cooper: “I hope that the disease is short-lived, by which I mean I hope it doesn’t take too long for the shithead to die or to lose consciousness.  Every time I see him speaking, I hope for a bolt of lightning to come down from the sky and strike him dead but, if that doesn’t happen, I will accept this as an alternative.”

MSNBC Commentator Rachel Maddow: “I am not surprised given his cavalier attitude about the disease but I am still saddened to learn the news that, to this point, it hasn’t spread to the rest of his family.  Speaking of which, did you know that his father is a germaphobe and hasn’t allowed any of his children to be in his presence for the last nine months?  Trump Sr. has a body double who has made all of his public appearances since March while he cowers in the bowels of the White House in a plastic bubble, stocked with Egg McMuffins, KFC, Big Macs, fries, chocolate shakes and Diet Coke.  And while Don Jr. hasn’t shown any symptoms of COVID-19, he is exhibiting signs of cocaine withdrawal.  Ivanka is anorexic and Jared is converting to Islam.  Melania and Baron have left the White House and . . . .”

Earth Muffins will continue to monitor the situation and provide periodic updates.