US Presidential Election to be Decided by Game of Thanksgiving Football

Early on Monday morning, the NFL announced a new addition to the Thanksgiving football schedule — an extra game deemed the “America Bowl”. According to NFL commissioner Roger Goddell in the press release for the additional game, the America Bowl is meant to decide the winner of the 2020 election: 

“Our country today stands divided between two men who both claim victory and the right of sole ruler of this land. How can we let the media decide who rules this great nation? It is my belief that American problems should be solved with American solutions and American tradition. Pence has it right: we can settle this dispute the same way our fathers settled theirs, and their fathers before that. I hereby declare that the America Bowl shall be played to settle the matter of the 2020 Presidential Election.”

This surprising announcement came as a reaction to the controversy stirred by President Donald Trump after he claimed to have won the election and alleged widespread voter fraud. Trump is still refusing to concede, despite every major analyst calling the race for Joe Biden. Goddell is also seemingly referencing a series of tweets by Vice President Mike Pence over the past week in which he harassed President Elect Joe Biden and seemingly challenged him to a game of football:

“Joe Biden will never be anything but a Vice President. But there’s no shame in that! Haha! Praise God. -Mike Pence”

“Joe Biden — Vice Pres to Vice Pres, I bet I could whoop you on the gridiron! Your tired old bones wouldn’t stand a chance! -Mike Pence”

“I used to toss around the pigskin with my old man back in Indiana like a true, born-and-bred American. Joe Biden has likely never ever seen a football! -Mike Pence”

“I’ve been hitting the gym and working on my strength and endurance. Real men of the people stay strong in mind and body to serve to the best of their ability. Donny won’t let me show off my body to the press, but believe me, it’s there! Wondering what’s under Joe Biden’s suit.”

“I’ll bet we can settle this whole Republican vs Democrat dealio with a little game of good, old-fashioned American Football. Hope Joe’s not too scared! Hehe. -Mike Pence”

Pence’s tweets were widely criticized by the media for not only inflaming the already high tensions surrounding the election but also for signing his name on tweets where the character limit permitted. Various news outlets derided the sign-offs as “antiquated and offensive,” “grossly inappropriate,” and “shockingly out of touch” , but made no comment on the ball game itself. 

The NFL’s press release also gave more details on how exactly the game will go down: 

“Mike Pence, as Challenger, will play as Quarterback for Team Red, while Joe Biden will Quarterback for Team Blue. Andy Reid will coach Team Red and Bill Belichick will coach Team Blue — all other team members must be selected by the quarterbacks and coaches from the House of Representatives or the Senate. Dems can play for Red, and ‘Pubs can play for blue — if you dare! The America Bowl will take place at 2 A.M Eastern on Thanksgiving Day, 2020. I hope America can unite under this time-honoured tradition.”

Despite the controversy surrounding the event, some politicians eagerly encouraged the ideas. Mitch McConnell enthusiastically volunteered to play as Team Red’s center on Twitter, saying “The center keeps the O-Line together just like I keep the senate together. It couldn’t be anyone else.” 

Pence once again took to Twitter and supported the idea while laying down some ground rules about conduct for Team Red: 

“Woohoo! This America Bowl is such a great idea — were going to make football Great Again! Praise the Lord! -Mike Pence” 

“I want to make clear that Team Red will have separate showers in the locker room. No funny business — we must honor God while we take part in this historic event. Likewise, I will not be playing under center. Sorry, Mitch! -Mike Pence”

“Also, no women. -Mike Pence”

Mitt Romney voiced his own thoughts on Facebook, and was just as keen on the idea, although he bemoaned his fellow party members’ treatment of him: 

“They always tell me, ‘Hey Mitt! You ever take off those magic undies? You probably keep them on in the shower! Think the Devil’s gonna go up your bum while you’re showering?’ My own colleague said that to me. Can you believe that? Mikey himself told me earlier today! He said, ‘Hey Mitt! Too bad we have to have separate showers to honor God, I woulda liked to see those special undies! Haha!’ They’re all just a bunch of jerks! I do love a good ball game, though. Roger is a good friend, and he’s doing the right thing.”

Most Democrats in congress dismissed the idea as undemocratic, claiming that there is no reason to question the validity of the election results and hailing Joe Biden as the true winner. Additionally, many were outspoken about the fact that Roger Goddell and the NFL have no constitutional power to decide the outcome of the election. However, Nancy Pelosi was outspoken in her support of the America Bowl in a press conference relating to the event:

 “Me and Team Joe are going to show those Red suckers what’s what! I just love a good game of football, and now we have the chance to show once and for all that my Joe is the true winner! I can’t wait!”

While the America Bowl may stir controversy, hopefully it will ease our high tensions and finally decide our country’s President.