Effective today, CU will shift its instruction modality to a new “imaginary” mode.

This new mode, chosen in collaboration with Boulder County Public Health, is supposed to support students as they cope with burnout and stress from a seemingly endless fall semester. “Navigating this past year has been difficult,” shared Illa Ju, a representative of the Chancellor, “but we truly believe this shift will best support students as the semester comes to a close.” Ju reassured Earth Muffins with a wink, “We’re confident that students will receive the same quality of education that they had in person.”

Another spokesperson in the CU administration shared their thoughts with Earth Muffins on the condition of anonymity for fear of retaliation. “When you really think about it, this new modality is almost the same as online learning,” this spokesperson told Earth Muffins, “students barely attend classes and barely retain course material.”

The changes to the instruction mode are as follows:

• Instruction is now based on a 1-2 model: Step 1, CU sends students textbooks. Step 2, students take a final exam. Who knew college could be so simple?
• Tuition is now pay to win: CU has been grappling with budget constraints this semester, and they hope a new pay to win process will increase revenue as more Californians shell out hundreds of thousands of dollars for tuition. California residents can pay $2,000 per class to bump up any grade one letter. The fee for Platinum Tuition™ payers is only $1,500.
• In support of the Chancellor’s repeatedly stated commitment to diversity and inclusion, CU will also be offering carrier pigeon correspondence courses for students with limited access to technology. Final exams must be submitted to the pigeons by 11:59 pm on the day of each exam.

In a press release, the Chancellor expressed deep concern for students:

As Buffs, we have worked hard to create the best learning opportunities for students. Currently, considering rising COVID-19 case counts, CU’s best option is imaginary instruction. We know this process may be frustrating and uncertain, but we value your patience and flexibility. As Buffs, we will persevere.

CU recognized that online learning has been stressful for students. In light of this stress, CU hopes the imaginary model will help students handle learning in the pandemic. CU also has reported 159 COVID-19 cases from CU Boulder Zoom accounts.

Let’s hope lectures aren’t superspreader events.