Joe Biden Stole the Election with Necromancy, Sources Say

The morning of November 7th, Earth Muffins journalist Boe Jiden received an email from his grandmother with the subject line “Dems Stole the Election with Witchcraft!!!1”. Generally, Boe would dismiss such an email out of hand, but the subject line was ridiculous enough to intrigue him. 

Upon reading the email, Mr. Jiden was enlightened as to the various ways that Democrats are using dark magics to destroy America and steal the election from Dear Leader Trump. The claims in the email, like every other email Boe has received from his Gran-Gran, were not backed up with sources.

As the diligent journalist he is, Boe decided to travel to Biden HQ in Delaware to investigate these claims himself. The following are snippets from his journal.

11/8 – I have arrived in Wilmington, Delaware. The sky is unnaturally dark and the air smells of sulfur. The hotel employees are pale and dead behind the eyes, and also smell of sulfur. My room also smells of sulfur, but that’s probably because I got the “Bean Blaster Burrito” at the airport.

11/9 – Today I gained access to Biden HQ. All I had to do was kill a Secret Service officer and steal his suit and ear piece. Anything for journalism. I lost my nerve before I could probe deep enough to find anything, but I am heading back tomorrow.

11/10 – After some snooping, I was able to find a secret door in Sub-Basement D. The door was dark, ancient wood banded with iron, and emanated an undeniable aura of suffering. Very similar to the aura coming off of Mr. Bidens daily COVID briefing meeting. Tomorrow I will open the door and probe deeper.

11/11- By god- it’s all true. All of it. In the first chamber there were hundreds, maybe thousands of zombies milling about. It appears Joe Biden’s team exhumed graves across the country, and took the corpses back to Delaware to be reanimated for the sole purpose of deploying to swing states to vote blue. 

In the next chamber, Nancy Pelosi was leading a coven of witches in a dark sacrament.  They had a massive voodoo doll of the Statue of Liberty. They were stabbing it with massive blades labeled “globalism” “welfare” and “equal rights”. I thought I was in a Ben Garrison comic.

I was stepping into the third and final chamber when I heard a great crack and looked back to see that massive, ancient wooden door split in two. In the frame stood a glowing figure wielding a flaming greatsword. When my eyes adjusted to the light I was able to make out the hero’s features, and I dropped to my knees when I realized that Trump had come to slay the witches and bring me back to safety. He darted across the chambers, effortlessly cutting though dead voters and witches alike, deftly wielding his sword labelled “patriotism”. It was at this point that I knew I was in a Ben Garrison comic. Donald took me in his arms and carried me out of Biden HQ.

When we were back to safety, he set me down gently on the ground, kissed me softly on the lips, grabbed my shoulders, and said “Tell your story kid, spread my tale of victory far and wide”.

Keep in mind that Boe Jiden has been experimenting with Salvia recently, so his accounts may not be entirely accurate.

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