Job Posting: Isolation Hall Director for Spring 2021

Job Summary

The University of Colorado and our Residential Life team encourage applications for an Isolation Hall Director. The hall is the assigned living space for CU students who have tested positive or show symptoms of the coronavirus and the designated holding area for those who have died of COVID-19.  Please Note:  Male mechanical engineering majors are excluded from the isolation hall since they already live in relative isolation from most human beings.

This is a limited term, 1-year, full-time, live-in position responsible for managing our isolation residential community.  This position will have an end date of January 2022 but an extension is possible if the coronavirus pandemic continues or if the University finds that isolating certain students (e.g., fraternity brothers) for other reasons provides a benefit to the campus community. Of course, this extension is possible only if the Isolation Hall Director her/himself survives.

The primary purpose of this position is to assure that students in the facility remain isolated from non-infected students, faculty and staff, and from one another.  To that end, the Isolation Hall is locked from the outside and the IHD will be responsible for requesting that the CU Police Department unlock the building in the event of a fire, a gas leak or an unplanned explosion.  The IHD will also control the “nuclear option”: i.e., blowing up the entire building, if necessary.

The IHD will also serve as the only point of contact for students who have been placed in the isolation hall.  Since this position will interact with COVID-19 positive individuals, people who have had or currently suffer from the disease will be given preference.  So, if you are interested in applying but have not yet contracted the coronavirus, we encourage exposure to COVID-19 at your earliest convenience.

Who We Are

Residence Life is an innovative and progressive organization that builds dynamic residential living and learning communities using practices that are socially just and sustainable. We are characterized by our dedicated staff who make students feel respected and cared for while, at the same time, not really giving a damn about them.  We promote experiences to support and challenge students to create the tools to build their lives, achieve academic success and pay outrageous out-of-state and international tuition fees.

What Your Key Responsibilities Will Be

Operations and Administration:

  • Direct the placement of students in the Isolation Hall in coordination with Student Health Administrative Services and the Boulder County Coroner
  • Be responsible for the safety and security of the residential environment by keeping isolated students locked in their rooms
  • Deliver daily rations of an oatmeal packet for breakfast; 2 slices of bread and bologna for lunch; and a ramen packet (beef, chicken or shrimp) for dinner 
  • Enforce the prohibition against hot plates and other heating devices in the unit
  • Provide oversight of and censor student communication with friends and families
  • Maintain a high attention to detail while managing multiple tasks without sleep
  • Maintain strict confidentiality by adhering to FERPA, HIPPA, SHERPA, HEPA, BEPIS, HIPPO, GROUCHO, CHICO, HARPO AND ZEPPO regulations
  • Take and analyze daily fecal samples from all residents of the facility
  • Collect the $100 per day cash “safety” fee isolated students must pay (cash only)

Community and Student Development:

  • Provide excellent customer service by appearing to respond to inquiries while ignoring complaints and stifling dissent
  • Serve as a staff presence by completing a daily round in isolation communities (weapons and Kevlar vest provided)
  • Refer students to appropriate supportive resources on campus, especially the suicide hotline
  • Alongside campus partners, coordinate and facilitate virtual programs to maintain student engagement and a sense of community within the isolation halls
  • Promote the appearance of an inclusive student-centered residential environment that supports the academic mission of the institution
  • Assist with student retention and persistence efforts so as to maintain a steady income flow for the University

Student Conduct:

  • Enforce public health orders, residence hall and university policy, and seek proactive approaches to communicating with students, including the use of threats and corporal punishment, as needed
  • Identify students of concern in the isolation hall and discipline or eliminate them, as the situation demands

What We Can Offer

  • The salary for this position is $47,476.
  • An apartment within the facility that was inhabited by the previous Isolation Hall Director (may she rest in peace)
  • Intubation and mechanical respiration (for an additional cost)

Be Statements

  • Be Outrageous. Be Intractable. Be Boulder.

What We Require

  • Bachelor’s degree or equivalent combination of education and work experience.
  • 2 years of administrative experience
  • Training in first aid, CPR and euthanasia (physician-assisted suicide is preferred)

What You Will Need

  • Ability and willingness to follow CDC guidelines pertaining to COVID-19 and knowledge of Dr. Scott Atlas’ opinions on herd immunity [Fauci and Birx supporters need not apply]
  • Willingness to interact mask-free with COVID-19 positive individuals

What We Would Like You to Have

  • Experience working in a university or higher education environment
  • Experience working in university housing
  • Experience herding cats or as a Ralphie Handler
  • Experience with tasers, stun guns or automatic weapons

The University of Colorado Boulder is committed to building a culturally diverse community of faculty, staff, and students dedicated to contributing to an inclusive campus environment. We are an Equal Opportunity employer, including veterans and individuals with disabilities.