Photos of the 2017 Donald Trump inauguration and the 2021 Joe Biden inauguration prove conclusively that thousands more people attended the former than the latter.
Stepping out of the shadows for the first time in years, Sean Spicer, former White House Press Secretary said he felt vindicated by the photographs. Four years ago, in his first press conference, Spicer accused the press of trying “to minimize the enormous support” that Trump had received. “Now we can see how right I was.” *
Reporting from Mar-a-Lago, Earth Muffins’ White House-in-Exile correspondent, Bippo Bepis was granted the only Inauguration Day interview with Donald Trump. The ex-President was grinning from ear-to-ear as he examined the photos. “There’s no comparison! You can see that mine was HUUUGE, much more bigly than Sleepy Joe’s!” When Bepis pointed out that the ex-President’s event had not been hampered by either the coronavirus or threats of violent insurrection, Trump was furious. “More fake news! I might have expected these lies from the New York Times or CNN but I thought Earth Muffins was better than those liberal hacks.” Our reporter quickly changed the subject and asked Trump about the note he was said to have left for the new President in the Oval Office. “I don’t write. Ask Ivanka. She did it. I only signed my name.”
An Earth Muffins reporter gained brief access to the Oval Office during the Inaugural ceremonies (don’t ask; we can’t endanger our source) and was given a chance to examine the Resolute Desk and found, in addition to a sealed envelope that read, “To Joey. Love Donny. xoxoxo,” the still operable “Diet Coke Button” (Thanks, Mr. Ex-President, I was thirsty), a drawer filled with assorted McDonald’s wrappers (Egg McMuffin, Big Mac, Filet ‘o Fish, fries), crushed KFC buckets, and a half-eaten package of Oreos (Um, no thanks). At the bottom of the drawer was a folder marked, “DJT Tax Returns 2000-2019” (we will report on them in a later issue).
In related news, Earth Muffins has permanently closed its Washington, D.C. office. “With Trump no longer in the White House, why bother?” said Earth Muffins’ acting Editor-in-Chief, Bo Jiden.
*Subsequent investigation has revealed that the “Sean Spicer” with whom we spoke was really Melissa McCarthy doing her “Spicey” impersonation. We apologize for the misidentification.