Crazed Mark Kennedy Warns of Imminent Cyborg Attack

Mark Kennedy raised some concerns early this week after he was spotted vehemently urging students to stay inside on campus and in surrounding neighborhoods. His concerns, apparently, were not about the Coronavirus, but rather an email that was sent out to CU students earlier this month concerning a cyberattack. 

Kennedy’s actions were initially confusing and hard to decipher. Students interviewed by Earth Muffins after the incident were perplexed, claiming that Kennedy “sounded like a fucking crazy person” and was “raving about cyborgs like a lunatic” and “telling everyone to get off the street,” as well as that “they know where you live”. In the midst of this strange behavior, Earth Muffins decided to reach out over email to Mark Kennedy for an interview about his actions. Kennedy’s office sent an email back that said Mark declined to comment, but a hand-written letter was delivered to the door of EM correspondent Boe Jiden later that day signed by Kennedy himself. We’ve included the contents of the letter:

Boe — I saw that you reached out for information about the situation at hand. I’m sorry I couldn’t respond to your email, but they have access to our information — email included. I implore you to help spread the word about the dire predicament we find ourselves in. The fault is mine for dictating my emails instead of writing them myself. Damn them all! The email was not about a CU data cyberattack, it was about a CYBORG attack! They have our data. They know our emails, passwords, they know where you and me and everyone else that has ever gone to CU lives. They’re coming. They’re coming, and they want to replace us. You can’t tell the difference between a cyborg and a flesh-man save for the fact that they do not bleed. I believe this could be the work of Colorado State University, but I cannot be sure. Please tell everyone you know. Stay inside. Signed, Mark Kennedy

In light of this information, we would like to encourage both students and the Boulder community at large to stay inside for their own safety. Additionally, if anyone you know suddenly begins to act strangely — asking strange questions about human anatomy, seeping oil, or borrowing a phone charger for an unusually long time, for example– cut off all contact with them and lock your doors.