CU Boulder Student Can’t Spit In Tube

COVID-19 monitoring testing is up and running as students returned to campus this spring semester. And for Joshua “Donut” Jacobson, that has meant a weekly twenty minute episode of freezing spit-covered hands next to Kitt Pond.

Earth Muffins secured an exclusive interview with Donut to discuss the challenges surrounding COVID-19 monitoring tests on campus.

Donut: You know, before we get started, I just want to mention the pavlovian bullshit that they have going on with these monitoring tests. Whenever I start walking towards the test site, my mouth starts gushing involuntarily. I mean, even right now, just talking about it, my mouth is all moist. At this rate, if anyone ever says monitoring in my lifetime, I’m going to start drooling.

EM: Uh, thanks, we’ll definitely note that for the interview. Anyways, could you tell us a bit about the spit process for you? What happens when you take a test?

D: Sure, yeah, I go up to the people running the booth and they always give us a cute little tube to drip our drool into. At this point, my mouth is just a waterfall of saliva, so I do my best to nod so I don’t have to waste my mouthful of spit. Anyways, at this point, I tear open the little baggie and shove the spit in my mouth into the tiny tube. I just don’t understand why they make the tubes so small…like, my mouth isn’t that tiny. How am I supposed to get all of my spit in there?

EM: So…not to be crude, but what happens to the spit that doesn’t make it in the tube?

D: Oh, yeah, I usually get like 20%, 25% of my spit actually in the tube…so, a lot of it ends up on my hands. I never really know what to do because at this point I hand the tube back and the person at the booth tells me to use hand sanitizer…but I feel like I just end up rubbing my spit into my hands and not actually sanitizing them.

D: You know, I always wonder what happens with the spit that I give them…like, do they catalog it? Do they keep it? Do they sell it? I know that they give people money for giving like blood plasma sometimes…maybe they should be paying me for my spit? I mean…it’s my spit, after all. You know, when you write this story, I think the headline should be, “What happens to CU’s spit?” That’s what I want to know.

EM: Yeah, uh, we’ll consider it. Thanks for the detail, Donut.

D: Any time…I’ll keep an eye out for that tell-all about my spit. I know they use my spit for detecting if I have covid, tracking covid on campus, and cloning me into other, smaller versions of myself…I wonder where they’re living? What happens if I step on one of my mini-mes? …

At this point, we lost control of the conversation.