Joe Biden Destroys Idiot Granddaughter at Mario Kart

Over the weekend of President’s Day, the Biden family took a vacation to Camp David, where they enjoyed quality family time together and, more importantly, had an old-school Mario Kart showdown. As reported by numerous publications, who were evidently having record-breakingly slow news days, Joe’s granddaughter Naomi posted a video of the two of them engaged in sweet, rubbery, kart-kombat. When asked to comment on the post, Joe had this to say:

“First of all- thanks for asking me about this. All these years of journos asking me about public policy, immigration, defense, it gets exhausting. I’m glad to have a platform to talk about my true passion: tearing up Rainbow Road as my main man and spiritual essence Luigi. Nothing makes me happier than hitting a sick mini-turbo around a perfectly cornered turn. The thrill of hitting someone I love with a green shell and ruining their day- that’s better than sex. My idiot granddaughter thought she could beat me at the ‘Kart just because I’m old as dirt. WRONG. I’ve been honing my skills since college. I was forged in the fires of Beerio Kart. I can finish three laps and chug a brewski before Naomi makes it around the track once. What a fool. I bet she doesn’t even know how to pull off the Grumble Volcano ultra-shortcut.”

While it is uncertain whether Joe’s passion for Mario Kart comes from his frustration about not being allowed to drive as President, or something deeper, it is certain that his ‘Kart knowledge makes him better qualified to be transportation secretary than his cabinet pick, Pete Buttigeg.