One year ago, Earth Muffins broke the news of the Pre-Clown track offered at CU-Boulder. The success of the program was unanticipated; as of the start of the Spring 2021 semester, 1,474 undergraduates had declared the track as part of their academic undertakings. We now proudly announce the newly formed major program, Bachelor of Science in Clown Studies (B.S. in C.S.), which will commence officially on August 1st, in association with the start of International Clown Week. [a lot of transfers from Business School]
The members of the Colorado Commission on Higher Education unanimously approved the new major at their February meeting, saying it was much needed, filling a gap in post-secondary education in the state. According to CU Career Services Director, Lisa Lovett, “clowning promises to become one of the largest majors at the university, offering students the surest course to a lucrative professional career.”
Originally it was not entirely clear in what school or college the new major would be housed, as the heads of each unit vied for the honor in a Zoom conference with Provost Russell Moore. In the end, it came down to a shortlist of three. James White, Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences argued that clowning classes most closely resembled the courses already offered by the Department of Theatre and Dance. Dean Keith Molenaar stressed the technical aspects of clownery and offered to change the name of his unit to the College of Engineering, Applied and Clown Sciences. But, in the end, Daniel Jacobson, Director of the Benson Center for the Study of Western Civilization proved most persuasive. “It is clear from the eight-year history of the Visiting Scholars in Conservative Thought that we have already proven ourselves able to recruit some of the greatest clowns in the country. No better evidence of this can be presented than the 2020-21 scholar in residence, John Eastman, who helped spark the January 6th insurrection at the national Capitol.” Eastman spoke at the “Save America Rally” saying that Mike Pence did not deserve to remain Vice President if he refused to challenge the certification of Joe Biden as President. His comments were followed by chants of “Hang Mike Pence” from the crowd. In the wake of the Capitol riot, Eastman was forced to resign from his professorship and deanship at the Chapman University School of Law but has continued proudly at CU-Boulder. [juggling; clown posse; jugglo]
Ex-CU President Bruce Benson, who founded the Conservative Scholar program as well as the Center for the Study of Western Civilization, has been working sub rosa to find a suitable chairperson for the new major. Earth Muffins investigative reporter Boe Jiden monitored closely the arrivals at Denver International Airport and discovered that, in recent weeks, Ronald McDonald, Bozo, Krusty and Pennywise all landed in Denver. Only Pennywise returned for a second visit and, that time, Jiden followed the limousine that was awaiting him. The Dancing Clown was driven to a sewer near the Ritz-Carlton Hotel where, a few minutes later, Benson arrived, to seal the deal. Disguised as a hotel doorman, Jiden listened stealthily, as Pennywise accepted an annual salary of $3.5 million dollars (even more than football coach Karl Dorrell) and deluxe accommodations in a storm drain near the Hotel Boulderado. Benson told the new chairperson, he was chosen because of his ability as a shapeshifter, assuming the form of whatever creature students fear the most. Pennywise replied, “I’m particularly happy about the access I’ll have to the CU tunnels and the University Hill Elementary School.” He then transformed himself into a bong to make his initial visit to students in Willville.
Timbo Timble, the Pre-Clown Program advisor will take on the recruiting and advising efforts for the new major. When asked if there were plans for expanding to a graduate level program in the future, Timble said nothing was in the works; those who wished to continue after graduation could find a suitable place at the Colorado School of Mimes in Golden.