Crumbling? In Despair? Feeling Worthless? Here Are 8 Easy Steps To Get Your Shit Together

1.  Get Organized. Between the collapse of society, Kraus the kind cockroach that lives under my bed, and wanting to hit a reverse twist dive off the Flatirons, life can seem pretty overwhelming. A good first step is to set your records straight, maybe by making a colored calendar or sacrificing a lamb to The Dark Lord.

2.  Do one thing at a time. I could be playing landmines with Kraus right now, but my sole focus is giving you the tools you need to get your shit together. In your limiting human body- unless you drink the black blood from The Cauldron Of Darkness- you’re only ever capable of doing one thing at a time, so don’t scramble! Just breathe and focus on what’s in front of you.

3.  Adderall.

4.  Eliminate distractions. I had to. There was no other choice. I had to put Kraus in a shoebox and light him on fire. He was a distraction, and now that he’s gone, I can feel my shit boiling up and coming together! When you take out the means of those needless desires of life like love, friendship, and family; your attention will be free to hear Cthulhu call your name!

5.  Take some time off. Yeah, that’s right! Give yourself a break and make time during the day to do things you actually enjoy. I enjoy playing landmines with Kraus, but he’s dead, so now I don’t have anyone to spend the day with. Instead, I invest my free time reciting incantations to bring the wrath of Hell out of banishment and into the lungs of the living, which totally gives me a boost to keep trucking through those snowballing assignments I don’t want to fucking do! Close your laptop, and swear your allegiance to The Old Gods, lest you feel their wrath!

6.  Gaze upon the god. Cthulhu is beautiful, full of the pain and suffering that fills his creation with life. Heir Bleak Holiness wants to free you from the shackles that bind all to named things.

7.  Go to him. Hear his call, drink his nectar, dine in his stare, let his knowledge consume you. Break free from the canvas you know and give your soul to the great canvas of creation, or you will be destroyed in the coming flood of black blood.

8.  Treat yourself! Get you an ice cream, hug a friend, watch a kickass movie. Practicing self care takes a lot of work, but if you don’t treat your body like the queen you are, you’ll slip into a distortion of self too horrid for even the most unflattering of reflections! Do it now, because you’re going to be drowning in the cold depths of Cthulhu’s doom soon enough, eternally begging for breath being nowhere but beneath the sea of despair.

Hope this helps everyone! These times are tough for everyone, and Cthulhu understands your pain. May the gates of hell welcome you with its blazing orchestra!

         – CU PR Team