BOULDER, CO- Researchers at the CU Boulder’s Cech Laboratory have recently announced that they have developed a groundbreaking new vaccine for Covid-19, all of its variants, and celibacy. Buried deep in the “Cu Boulder Today” newsletter, the announcement came as the culmination of hard work containing cumming and cunning calculations. 

“This shit is revolutionary!” exclaimed lead scientist Kraus Cockroach. “Ah metamorphosis, may it be the joy of all things! Goddamn! I was a cockroach, you know. Burned alive in a shoebox. I remember being consumed by the flames, flailing about, learning to scream, ah, I remember it like yesterday. The good ole days, those are gone now, and I’m a man, a man of purpose. To cure all things, end all suffering. By, uh, sucking and fucking.”

Kraus Cockroach, a man with gangly limbs protruding out of a hunched, decrepit body, lead the team of experienced scientists into biological territory that can most often be found in disconnected father’s search history. The vaccine will come in two forms, one dose of suck, one dose of fuck. But, the administration of the vaccine might cost the Wardenburg Health Center employees their mental health. To counter this, Kraus offered a solution. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody wants to do it. Who can blame them! It’s not like they’re saving peoples lives! They won’t bend the knee, and they call themselves doctors… Anyway, I do have a plan. If I learned anything from being a cockroach, it’s that you have to respect the little man, cause the big one’s will do everything they can to step on you, and if you’re lucky, light you on fire. But, but, but, it’s time for the big boys to step up. I am calling, in the name of science, that Mark Kennedy, Phil DiStefino, and the Board of Regents serve the people by giving each student a good blow and better plow.”

This shocking demand is backed by the latest science, which allows mRNA to spawn with the perfect pleasure-pain balance. The technique required to obtain such a balance takes great skill and practice, and will require at least six weeks of training before every high ranking CU official is ready to give every student the works. Kraus’ call to action is not without blowback, however. 

“I mean, I’ve been fucking students my whole carrer,” said CU President Mark Kennedy, “but the thought, the mere thought, of screwing students in a way that benefits them, is, it’s crazy! Why would I ever try to give them things like a vaccine? Might as well give them affordable tuition and housing at this point! Why stop there? Why don’t I give them their required course materials for free? Now free healthcare? Come on! What a scam!” 

Though Kennedy was reportedly salivating at the lips about doing the dirty work, in public, he remains a staunch opponent of Kraus. A vote will be held on March 5th regarding Kraus’ proposition, and everyone is encouraged to attend. Free wood, nails, and rope will be supplied to construct gallows outside the boardroom, usage depending on the ruling. 

If approved by the Regents, the new CU vaccine will not only eliminate COVID-19 from campus, but will quite possibly push us humans into a new era of scientific discummery, alleviating all suffering from the crust of the Earth. The only thing in the way, it seems, is bureaucracy.   

Kraus, hands cupped around his ovular, thin head, was forced to reconcile with his findings, knowing this was the start of a long, messy journey that could very well alter the fate of mankind.  

“Now I am become Suck, the Fucker of worlds,” Kraus cried, his words trailing off into infinity.