On Campus

Mark Kennedy Officially Enacts “White Boy Summer” on Campus

Mark Kennedy sent out a notice to the CU students and staff this afternoon regarding the “white boy summer” trend started by Chet Hanks (son of Tom Hanks), apparently endorsing the trend and implementing the rules. You can read the full statement here:

Hello students and members of the Boulder Community. I come to you after some deep consideration with a very important announcement for those who will be living in Boulder this summer. As you may have noticed, my close personal friend Chet Hanks has been planning a jubilant event for our people — a “white boy summer” focused on respect, equality, and decent behavior. However, people seem to have lost focus of the values of a white boy summer, and Chet has fallen victim to criticism of some of his past behavior. I cannot endorse his actions, but I can carry on his ideals in the face of his struggle and persecution. Therefore, as a white boy who represents an institution dedicated to diversity and inclusion, I, Mark Kennedy, officially endorse White Boy Summer and will be instating its rules at CU Boulder. This summer, CUPD will be strictly enforcing the rules of White Boy Summer on campus and anywhere within 2 miles of the University. These rules will include:

  • No Sperry Top-Sider shoes
  • No plaid shirts
  • No calling girls “smokeshows”
  • No getting in other people’s faces with booze breath
  • No NASCAR
  • No Trump
  • Respect those who are different 

These rules apply to any CU students who identify as white males. Any such individuals caught violating these rules will be subject to suspension in the following semester, as well as fines depending on the severity of the transgression. Suck-a-duckin’ is strongly encouraged. Aside from the positive impact that will inevitably be brought about by these rules and regulations, White Boy Summer will have benefits for those who participate. Students observed to be following the rules and regs will be awarded Vanilla King status, an honor which includes an exclusive baseball cap with the words “Vanilla King” on it and a $1000 check. Good luck! 

Sincerely, 

Mark Kennedy