Boulder, CO – University of Colorado student Travis Barker arrived fifteen languid minutes early to class and was forced to hunker down and walk an utterly meaningless and slightly awkward lap around Norlin Quad.
“This is so embarrassing,” said Barker, “I don’t wanna be the guy who’s, like, super early and just sits there alone with the professor and the other weirdos who show up way before class starts and like talk to each other and stuff, but I also don’t wanna be the guy who’s just wandering around campus completely alone like an unwanted piece of shit.”
Barker, a current junior, was horrified to learn that he arrived at Eaton Humanities with more time than what’s comfortable to spare. Cold shivers went down his spine at the thought of sitting for a few rank minutes in midst of watchul strangers perhaps critical of his pathetic loitering. Barker could have also waited in front of the building or gone to the bathroom, but nervous energy prevented any chance of stillness. With no other option, Barker slurped up what little pride he had left and shuffled helplessly around Norlin Quad.
“The whole time I was thinking, ‘holy shit, what if someone noticed that I started at Eaton and strided like a dumb fat donut or somthing until I was back in the same damn place.’ It would make no sense to them and I’ll look like an insane person. Like if someone saw me do that they would totally hate me. I suck. I hate myself.”
At press time, Travis’ stroll proved too slow and sad, and he reportedly arrived at class ten minutes late.