Last weekend, in a surprising show of generosity and goodwill, Donald Trump reached out to the disputed winner of the 2020 Presidential race, Joe Biden, to help him deal with the aftermath of the U.S. pull-out from Afghanistan. “You know,” the ex-President said, “I’ve had my own share of unsuccessful pull-outs. Did you really think I wanted another kid when I was 60 years old? And, if I knew then what I know now, I would have pulled out a couple of times before. Do you believe what ugly, dumb shits Don Jr. and Eric have turned out to be?”
“Smokey Joe,” Trump added, “I’ve been in many situations like this before and all I can tell you is never admit that you were wrong.” Biden was quick to point out that he had already been following that path, pretending that he never made the speech he did on July 8th and making sure his spokespeople avoided answering all questions about it. “I’m making it appear as if things went exactly according to plan and that I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I learned that from you and your handling of the China Virus.”
“Thanks. You should also take seriously one of my nicknames for you, ‘Joe Hiden,’ and stay out of the public eye as much as you can.” The current President reminded his predecessor that he had in fact taken a staycation at Camp David for several days and that, even after giving speeches about the Afghanistan withdrawal, he refused to stick around to answer the questions of reporters, ducking out of press conferences with Mario Kart-like speed.
“That was a great move—to leave before they could embarrass you, but equally goodly was the speech itself. You lied through your teeth and didn’t even stutter; well, not very much at least, Sleepy Joe. If there’s one thing I learned it’s that people’s memories are short. You can say one thing on one day and turn around and reverse yourself the next. Heck, I even did that just the other day. I was telling everyone how important it was to save our Afghani interpreters and other allies but then I heard that fucker Tucker Carlson and lyin’ Laura Ingraham on Fox saying that the only reason you were saving them was to turn them into Democrats; so, I reversed myself. No one even noticed.”
“But what about fact-checking? They’re already saying I lied about a whole bunch of things having to do with the pull-out.” Trump replied, “fact-checkers are all ‘schmucks,’ to quote my dear friend Arnold. The #AmazonWashingtonPost said I lied 30,573 times while I was in office! Who gives a shit what Jeff Bozo says? Everyone still adores me. Some guy even tried to blow up the Library of Congress for me; that’s dedication. I love that guy!”
“Look, Quid Pro Joe, you have a lot to learn from me. I’ll even let you use some of my best lines. When they ask why you pulled all our troops out, say it was to ‘Make Afghanistan Great Again.’ When they ask you about who you rescued in Afghanistan, say ‘Americans First.’ When they ask you about saving the Afghani allies, say ‘Promises Made, Promises Kept.’ And most important, when the right-wingers say that you’re flooding the U.S. with immigrants from Afghanistan, tell them you’ll ‘Build the Wall’ and make the Taliban pay for it.”
“Listen, Creepy Joe, it really doesn’t matter what happens because everyone says I’ll be moving back into The White House soon. Don’t let the door slam you in the ass on your way out.”