@NICKIMINAJ

My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding. So just pray on it & make sure you’re comfortable with ur decision, not bullied

3:44 PM · Sep 13, 2021·Twitter for iPhone

Rapper Nicki Minaj was widely criticized this past week for having tweeted the above “misinformation,” as Twitter put it.  She was called to task by Trinidad and Tobago Health Minister Terrence Deyalsingh, Dr. Anthony Fauci, and a host of others.  Included among her critics was the entire editorial staff of the prestigious scientific publication, Earth Muffins.  But the latter group had to reconsider its criticism of Ms. Minaj when 90% of its members—all male—suddenly found that their testicles had swollen to the size of cantaloupes.

“We were all vaccinated last Spring and had been feeling fine,” said one of the publication’s editors-in-chief, who prefers to remain anonymous (and has asked that his name be removed from the Earth Muffins “About” page).  “Then, suddenly, last week I had this strange sensation, a heaviness and discomfort I’d never felt before in my, um, private area.  When I looked, I was shocked to see the transformation that had taken place.  Where my normal (well, to be truthful, rather large) testicles had previously been, there were now two enormous orbs.  They dragged me down to the floor.  The pain was intense.  The doctor at Wardenburg had never seen anything like it before and, soon, all of the staff members, and some patients, came in for a look.  They actually called in an orthopedic specialist to adapt an arm sling for my use.

I called my co-editor-in-chief (whose name has also been removed from the “About” page) and explained what had happened to me but, no sooner did I start to tell him my tale of woe, when he told me the same thing had happened to him.  We decided to call the rest of the editorial staff (all of whose names have now been removed from the “About” page) and found that they had been similarly afflicted.  In fact, the only member of the staff who hasn’t suffered the same fate is our only female editor.  We talked about suspending publication but Rachel (whose name has now been added to the “About” page) said she will carry on without us.”

Investigative reporter Boe Jiden, currently on leave from CU-Boulder (due to a “minor misunderstanding” with the CU Police Department and Office of Student Conduct & Conflict Resolution) remained unscathed by the affliction and returned briefly to campus to discuss the matter with the ailing Earth Muffineers.  He asked them what it felt like to be suffering from Minaj Syndrome and compiled the following list of symptoms:

• enormous testicular enlargement and swelling (ranging in size from a cantaloupe, to a giant honeydew)
• elongation of the scrotal sac (ranging in capacity from a King Soopers/Safeway plastic sack  to a duffel bag)
• intense pain (as if one’s balls were being squeezed in a vise or crushed by a bowling ball) and accompanying nausea
• inability to stand, walk or sit 
• impotence and a subsequent end to plans for marriage

Jiden also spoke to John Breck, D.O., Director of the Medical Clinic at Wardenburg Health Center who remarked, “Minaj Syndrome is no laughing matter.  It’s quite real.  I’ve seen several cases so far and they’re hard to handle.  All I’ve been able to do is send the guys home with their balls in a sling, prescribe pain medication and bed rest.  Right now, I’m researching procedures for COVID-19 vaccine removal, in the hope that if I can get the medication out of their bodies, the condition may subside.  I’m not sure that will work since evidence suggests it may have unalterably changed their DNA.  If I can’t remove the evil drug well, I’m afraid I’ll have no alternative but to amputate; which, in truth,  won’t be all that bad since there’s always a need for harem guards and for castrati who can sing in the soprano range.”

In light of these revelations, Twitter has apologized to Ms. Minaj.  President Joe Biden has announced that the rapper will be replacing Dr. Fauci as Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, a position the latter has held since 1984.  We wish her success and hope for the speedy recovery of Ms. Minaj’s Trinidadian cousin’s friend as well as the suffering staff members of Earth Muffins.  And, if not, well, we’ll be looking for you at future CU Opera productions.