You escape MATH 100 at 9 pm. Drunk with power after getting a solid C on acing the test, you’re eager to get ready. It’s Hallow’s Eve and Brandon Beans (AKA Beantown AKA the star freaking quarterback of the football team) is throwing a rager and you’re invited! Hurry! The costume contest starts at 10 and your sexy Garfield is sure to win, especially since … Continue reading A Frightful Night
It’s a beautiful, brisk fall day on your college campus: the sun is shining, but there’s a pleasant chill in the air that reminds you that winter is coming soon. It’s not here yet, though, and the leaves are a magnificent gold as you make your way across campus. You’re not going to class, not right now. Nature is calling, and it’s time to find … Continue reading Campus Bathroom Contains Biggest, Yellowest Piss You’ve Ever Seen
In a remarkable show of honesty and forthrightness, never before seen from the asswipe Senator from West Virginia, Joe Manchin made clear for the first time why he sabotaged President Biden’s and the Democratic Party’s clean energy bill. “I’ve been telling you that I am all about protecting the economy and workers of my state, but you all know that’s a load of crap. I’m … Continue reading Joe Manchin Says, “Fuck Biden,” “Fuck the Democratic Party,” “Fuck Future Generations.” “I Just Want My Coal Money”
We all have our moments through the day that keep us going, be it seeing the smile of a child, hearing from a loved one, or eating a delicious meal. For those of us without much to look forward to, however, we tend to cling to whatever small pleasures we’re able to squeeze out of this brutal invention we call human life. University of Colorado … Continue reading Daily Trip to Favorite Bathroom Only Thing Holding Man Together
I know what you’re thinking. Religion? Snore!! Church might’ve been tolerable on holidays to make mom happy, but now you’re an adult that can buy real fucking bread! Time for the marijuana, alcohol, women’s rights, and premarital sex! Yeah, I used to feel the exact same way… I was lost just like you, having the time of my life yet blissfully ignorant of my condemnation … Continue reading I Joined Ressurection Church and Here’s Why You Should Too
Fully against their will, millions of people around the world have been exposed to the torrid love affair between actor Megan Fox, and musician Machine Gun Kelly. Their relationship has been drifting in and out of the public eye for months, but recently grabbed the full attention of the internet following a profile in British GQ. In addition to anecdotes about building pillow forts, and … Continue reading Machine Gun Kelly Gives Hope to Weird Stoners Everywhere
In an annual poll of a representative sample of CU Boulder students, Koelbel once again took top place for the covid-19 spread on CU’s campus. Koelbel fiercely competed for the top place with the new Rustandy building. Dan Fransisco, a spokesperson for Leeds, sat down with Earth Muffins about the new prize: “We’re really proud of this award here at Leeds. As a top-twenty business … Continue reading Koelbel Voted Most Likely Building to Catch COVID-19 for the Second Year In a Row
Earth Muffins 