I know what you’re thinking. Religion? Snore!! Church might’ve been tolerable on holidays to make mom happy, but now you’re an adult that can buy real fucking bread! Time for the marijuana, alcohol, women’s rights, and premarital sex! Yeah, I used to feel the exact same way…
I was lost just like you, having the time of my life yet blissfully ignorant of my condemnation to hell. Then two weeks into freshman year at the most vulnerable point in my life, an angel rescued me from a joyful life of sin. On the way to my Communications class (seriously, how didn’t I realize how far I’d fallen from grace??), Abbey stopped me and asked, “Do you have a minute to answer some questions about your faith?” After informing me that unless I devoted my life to Christ I wouldn’t get into heaven and also Satan would steal my dog, I was sold.
Now you might be thinking it’s weird that Resurrection Church doesn’t have an address. I’ll let you in on a secret: Resurrection Church is not a place. It’s a man. If you commit to the Lord and attend the service, you’re deemed worthy of joining Ray’s Erection Church.
After donning a white robe, I was escorted to Ray himself. His appearance escapes me for when I set eyes upon him the only thing I could see was an erection almost too magnificent to behold. Hallelujah, at long last I am cured! In an instant, my attraction to women and the shame it caused me exited my body in a fart that smelled of frankincense and myrrh. My hideous penchant for mind-altering drugs and enjoying my existence vanished with a great belch.
With this burden lifted from me, I’m finally free to focus on the important things in life, like achieving salvation and harassing women outside of Planned Parenthood. Sure, I never see my friends anymore and I’m incontinent, but now I serve a higher cause by pretending to be a college student and pestering impressionable young adults. It doesn’t get any better than this! And to think how close I came to damnation.
If this hasn’t convinced you yet, I dare you resist the temptation to join after reading some of our member’s testimonies:
“One night, I had an encounter with Jesus in my dorm room that changed my life. I made the decision to repent and give my life to Him, and now I’m so thankful to be saved and know I’m never alone!” *
“I was injured in a freak Mutton Bustin’ accident that left me wheelchair bound at a young age. Ray’s erection helped me walk again! His glorious boner granted me the strength to finally forgive that wicked sheep.”
“Before I joined Ray’s Erection Church, my life was topsy-turvy. I actually thought that cilantro tasted like soap if you can believe it. Ray’s huge cock AND balls made me feel reborn!”
* This one is real. WTF?
In all seriousness, Ressurection Church is a legitimate threat to students. Please spread awareness to your friends about their predatory tactics. Here’s an article that goes into more detail and Here’s how to spot the signs of a cult.