CU Administration Moves to Isolate Engineers

In a controversial move, the CU Boulder administration chose to further isolate engineering students by forcing them all to live in the auxiliary dorms, known as Will Vill. Engineering students are currently only somewhat isolated on campus—with their own classes, and in the case of that scary place known as Andrews, their own dorms.

Now, pursuant to Mark Kennedy’s beyond-the-presidency master plan, engineering students will barely ever see non-engineers. Will Vill dining will now only provide Top Ramen, frozen pizzas, and if they’re lucky, a girl visiting from main campus. The Will Vill gym will be transformed into a set of study spaces. Dorms in Will Vill will have 24-hour quiet hours, and all of our nation’s future engineers must be in their dorms no later than 9 p.m. CU has preemptively over-allocated rooms for women in STEM, with a full 16 single rooms available for female engineers.

Sources indicate that CU believes it is critical to isolate engineers not only physically, but also sexually. “It’s such a big distraction for our top talent to have members of the opposite sex in our engineers’ life. This move will ensure that our engineering students stay focused on fighting each other for the curve. We are pushing to ensure that our engineers’ lives are 80% school, 20% sleep, and 0% fun.”

Although the Rustandy Unity Bridge was just recently constructed, Earth Muffins has heard from several inside sources that the Engineering Center may indeed be moved down to Will Vill. CU’s best engineers are working hard to create a plan.

Although currently unverified, rumors suggest moving engineers to Will Vill is all a part of Mark Kennedy’s legacy plan to harness Calc II homework to create the first perpetual tuition machine.