CUSG Election to be Decided by Beer Pong Tournament

As of yesterday afternoon, the CU Board of Regents has unilaterally implemented a new structure for electing the tri-executives of CU’s student government — a buy-in beer pong tournament. The tri-executives, who serve as CU’s three concurrent student body presidents, were apparently informed of this decision in a meeting between them and the Regents.

Typically, the tri-executives run together on a single ticket against another group of three students and the winner is decided by a vote by the student body in the Spring — last Spring, the Empower ticket beat out the Transform ticket in a 57 to 40 percent landslide. In the future, however, the positions will be elected through a 16-team beer pong tournament with an astonishing buy-in cost of $10,000. When contacted for a comment on the decision, the Board of Regents sent Earth Muffins an email which delineates the thinking that went into this decision and answers some (apparently) frequently asked questions. Read for yourself below:

Hello and thank you for reaching out to the Board of Regents!

In response to the many questions we have been receiving on the recent changes to our election process for CU’s Tri-executives. We felt our old system was not yielding student body presidents who properly represented CU’s core values. Our new model encourages students with active social lives, robust livers, and deep pockets to run for the executive board. I mean, what the hell does ‘Empower’ even mean? We’re not even sure that’s an actual word. Anyway, the 16 team tournament will be sure to increase the diversity, since y’all seem to be so crazy about that. That’s 48 whole, different people. At least one of them has got to be ethnic. Now, here are some questions we keep getting:

How are you going to find 16 teams of three people who EACH have to pay $10,000 to participate?

If we don’t get enough volunteers, we’re taking a stroll around the Hill and seeing which loyal Buffs with rich parents can sling those balls and slam back some brews. We’re confident that we can find some good candidates. 

What format will the tournament take?

It’s gonna be a classic bracket, best of three until the semis, then it’s best of five. It’ll take place over the course of a Friday afternoon and evening to have our participants in prime condition.

What happens to the buy-in pot?

We have to buy the beer somehow, huh?

How are they going to play beer pong with teams of three? 

Each pong table will have fifteen cups instead of ten to compensate for the extra person

Can I watch?

Sure you can, you voyeuristic son of a bitch! But CUPD will be keeping a close eye on the crowds, so no touching!

To make things a little more interesting, all teams who get out in the first round of the tournament must join DKE or face expulsion from the University! Good luck to all participants!

In addition to this rather shocking letter from the board of regents, Earth Muffins received word that Phillip DiStefano received a wire transfer of an unknown amount from an offshore account affiliated with the IFC. Could this be related to the surprise change by the board of regents? You can be the judge of that.