Odds are that if you spend time on CU’s campus, your anus has constricted at the sight of the sinister tree just outside the gates of Farrand Field. Earth Muffins correspondent Brandon Beans sat down with the Whomping Willow-esque beast to discuss its history and gruesome appearance:
BRANDON BEANS: WOW, you are one gnarly tree. Like really hideous, no offense. I really didn’t want to come here cause you have some seriously bad vibes dude but they made me do this for work. So anyways, what’s your deal?
TREE: My, my. I haven’t had a visitor for centuries. How do you do, young man? Oh the stories these roots could tell… I’ll start from the beginning. In the time when buffaloes proudly roamed this great state, the seeds my mother bore were eaten by a curious calf and shat out right here, allowing me to—
BRANDON BEANS: Yeah, yeah, yeah but how did you get so ugly?
In an instant, dark thunder clouds fill the sky. Lightning strikes in the distance. A gust of cold wind.
TREE (with a suddenly grim demeanor): I used to be magnificent. I was the star of the show long before these picturesque Farrand Field gates. I remember the horrible moment it all changed as if it were yesterday. A gaggle of geese chose the base of my trunk as their dumping ground for copious amounts of green excrement. A constant flow of dung. Oh the humiliation it caused me. Eventually, I had suffered enough of their abuse and let one of my large limbs fall, flattening a few of the feathered demons like pancakes. The malicious flock attacked, and their bites corrupted me with an evil that spread throughout me, from the tips of my roots to my leaves. Those wicked birds turned a once majestic, dignified tree into the stuff of nightmares.
BRANDON BEANS: Yikes. What do you have to say about the Undergraduate Group against Gross Organisms (UGGO) movement demanding to have you cut down?
TREE: Kill me! Please God kill me!! I can’t go on like this anymore!!!
BRANDON BEANS: Whoa whoa whoa man, I promise it gets better. Looks aren’t everything, I’m sure you —
GILLY BIGGLESWORTH: Brandon, are you okay?
BRANDON BEANS: Yeah I’m just talking to my new friend here. By the way, it’s really stinkin’ rude to interrupt people, Gilly, this hideous loser is really going through something right now.
GILLY BIGGLESWORTH: Who the fuck are you talking about? Dude your pupils are huge, are you tripping balls right now?