Over the break between semesters, back at home with the parental units, whose COVID-19 paranoia kept me confined to my bedroom for weeks on end (they left me trays of food outside the door), I had nothing to do but surf the interweb; it was there, in the realm of inconvenient truths, I learned that Birds Aren’t Real. You may think me the victim of … Continue reading Birds Aren’t Real!
You walk the hill. It’s night. Earlier this Julian day you ate Trader Joe’s Fiery Chicken Curry. You liked it then, and it tasted great. For three bucks, it’s a steal of a meal. So you gobbled that gunk down like a hungry pig first in line for the slop trough, god bless baby, that tasted good. But your actions have consequences. You are not … Continue reading How to Hurt Your Elbow
In an unprecedented outcome, Ingeborg Kristiansen of Norway won the Gold, Silver and Bronze medals in the women’s biathlon event at the Winter Olympics in Beijing. For those who haven’t been following this exciting event, it combines the sports of cross-country skiing and rifle shooting. Athletes race on a cross-country trail, stopping periodically to shoot at targets. In a surprise move at the start of … Continue reading 2022 Winter Olympics Update: Norwegian Athlete Wins All Three Medals in Biathlon
While scrolling through Instagram this afternoon, CU Boulder administration was informed by @barstoolbuffs of Phil Distefano’s birthday extravaganza, revealing an outrageous error in CU’s campus alert system. As soon as everyone had taken their afternoon coffee dumps, the mistake was immediately rectified, however the message reached students and faculty too late. Earth Muffins correspondent Andy Sharts reached out to the birthday boy for comment, but … Continue reading Flawed CU Boulder Alert System Ruins Phillip DiStefano’s Birthday Bash
On January 21st 2022 Carter Griffin Tragically passed away after purposely overworking himself at middle management of Goldman Sachs. The coroner’s office stated that they were surprised that he was able to even stay awake for two weeks straight after surviving only on a diet of cocaine and honey bunches of oats. His family and friends filled the funeral home this weekend to offer their … Continue reading Earth Muffins VP Tragically Dies After Trying to “Experience Life to the Fullest”