On January 21st 2022 Carter Griffin Tragically passed away after purposely overworking himself at middle management of Goldman Sachs. The coroner’s office stated that they were surprised that he was able to even stay awake for two weeks straight after surviving only on a diet of cocaine and honey bunches of oats. His family and friends filled the funeral home this weekend to offer their love and condolences.
In his honor we’ve decided to share an excerpt from his eulogy.
*teary-eyed man sniffles and looks down at a piece of paper*
“Many of us were fortunate enough to know Carter for the little time he had, and I’m sure we all wish we could have stopped him from the self-destructive path he set himself on after an Adderall fueled binge-reading of a book on existentialism. During this Adderall induced manic reading, he decided that he needed to change his life drastically, live life to the fullest, and experience everything he could in his lifetime. At first we expected that he would simply travel more, maybe go skydiving, or at most get high on peyote in the Chilean desert on a spirit trip. Instead, Carter took a unique approach, proclaiming ‘That’s not how people truly live.’ Carter began to take actions that still continue to confound us, but it’s what he wanted us to remember.
First he donated his seed, enough times so that he could afford to get a nose job. Carter never had a problem with his nose, he just thought this was part of the human experience. I look around and see some of his offspring are actually here today, sadly losing their father… well… they still have their real dads, who all seem quite pleasant, and thank you for the brisket, Brad – it’s extremely well cooked. Carter’s family thanks you”
“Of course – anything I can do. You should really thank my brand new Big Green Egg, smokes like a beaut”
“Um sure – and sorry about your balls. Anyways, Carter continued his next adventure by rear-ending an old lady who was driving too slow. When he got out to exchange insurance information, he berated the woman for several minutes about her driving until she beat him down with her cane. He ended up with a black eye and hair fracture to the ribs. Apparently he felt ‘road rage’ to be part of the human experience he was trying to fulfill. Mary-Anne is actually here today, the woman he hit. Mary-Anne, is there anything you would like to say?”
*Old lady shakingly stands using her walker*
“He was a fucking cunt! my dog was in the car”
“Thank you for those kind words Mary-Anne, although I’m not sure why you’re here”
“Wanted to make sure the little bitch was dead”
“Watch the way you speak about my son’s father!”
“I’m not going to unpack this. Brad, please sit back down. Anyway, continuing on to his other ‘experiences’, we can just list some of these off to speed things along: falling down the stairs and breaking his foot; accidentally running over his dog; purposely getting food poisoning cause he had never had it before; binge watching all of Friends; getting married, getting divorced, and losing most of his belongings in the settlement, that was a big one–took him a while. And lastly, dying while working a dead-end job that brought no joy to his life. This was what he believed to be the true human experience. I just want to say, reading this back now, it’s quite upsetting and scary and I don’t know exactly why. Now, please feel free to visit the casket and grab some of Brett’s delicious brisket”
“Brad’s delicious brisket. Now I’m going to take a nap cause this whole thing is fucking ridiculous”