While scrolling through Instagram this afternoon, CU Boulder administration was informed by @barstoolbuffs of Phil Distefano’s birthday extravaganza, revealing an outrageous error in CU’s campus alert system. As soon as everyone had taken their afternoon coffee dumps, the mistake was immediately rectified, however the message reached students and faculty too late. 

Earth Muffins correspondent Andy Sharts reached out to the birthday boy for comment, but naturally the blubbering made that impossible. Instead, Andy spoke to Phil’s wife, Yvonne, who lamented, “You know normally we just celebrate with a nice dinner, red velvet cake, and some ass play. For whatever reason, Phil really wanted to go all out this year, but when no one showed up all hell broke loose. The clown couldn’t even cheer him up, and Phil went into a blind rage when he didn’t have the colors Phil wanted for his balloon hat. He flipped the buffet table of “Philly D cheesesteaks” and took a knife to the bouncy castle, which fell onto the petting zoo, suffocating five goats and the pony.” 

The caricature artist hired for the party also commented on the traumatic experience. “Oh yeah, he did not like my drawing. He was finally calmin’ down with a bucket of cotton candy so I figured why not show ‘im, he could use a laugh. The nose and eyebrows were spot on but the ear to penis size ratio may have been out of line. He just kept screamin’, ‘Why is it so small!? Why is it so small!???!!’. He came afta’ me with his new toy Nerf gun but didn’t know how to load it so he was just throwin’ the foam darts. Just sad, man.”

This tragedy occurs just one day after a minor issue in the alert system on February 1st, in which students were notified to avoid the Broadway/University Hill Elementary area an hour after the Boulder Police Department arrived on the scene. While dodging a man with an 800-page manifesto of violent threats may not seem as urgent as throwing back shots with Philly D, these incidents have exposed serious flaws in the way students and faculty are informed about events in the Boulder community. 

This disappointing oversight has led to swift management changes to the alert system so that catastrophic events like this will never happen again. In addition, in-person and remote classes will be canceled for the rest of the week so that everyone can attend our beloved chancellor’s birth-week celebrations.