On February 14^th, the fourth anniversary of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shootings in Parkland, Florida, the city of Calhoun in Georgia’s 4^th Congressional District unveiled the Marjorie Taylor Greene High School.  The Congresswoman was on hand to be honored and, in lieu of a ribbon cutting ceremony, fired the first shot into the bullet-proof glass of the building’s front door.

Mayor James F. Palmer of Calhoun explained the City Council’s decision to build the school.  “We wanted a safe place for our children, a building in which they could be protected and not live in fear.  Had that high school in Florida been designed like this one, only one person would have been killed: the shooter.”  In addition to bullet-proof glass, every entrance to the building contains a metal detector; as students enter the school, an alarm sounds to alert authorities if a child is weaponless.  Unarmed students are taken to the principal’s office and given the choice of returning home to retrieve their guns or taking loaner weapons to be returned at the end of the day.  

Council person Jackie Palazzolo said that the name of the high school was the result of careful study and debate.  “At first, we considered Jefferson Davis or Robert E. Lee but, as heroic as those men were, we didn’t want our children to have losers as role models.  There was also  great support for Donald Trump High School, given that we knew he had indeed won the 2020 election, but in the end we couldn’t stomach the thought of a Yankee having a prominent place in the South.  We came to realize that Marjorie Taylor Greene epitomized all the values we want to instill in our students.  They now have a place in which they can proudly study the greatness that is America.”

Principal Beauregard Robb Quigg proudly displayed the new school library, funded by the International Keystone Knights of the Ku Klux Klan.  “There ain’t many books here, as y’all can see, but the ones we allow students to read are guaranteed to instill in them the values we hold near and dear.  We got rid of anything that smacks of gayness, critical raceness, transedgenderiness, etc.  These ones here are books by Americans and for Americans,” he said, pulling one of several copies of Adolf Hitler’s Mein Kampf from a nearby shelf.

Marjorie Taylor Greene addressed an assembly of students, teachers, and staff in the David Duke Auditorium.  “I am honored to be here today and to be recognized for my great influence on the youth of Calhoun.  Schools like this are needed to prevent Antifa and the Commies from taking over the rest of the country.

“Not only do we have the D.C. gumbo which is really the D.C. goulash, but now we have Nancy Pelosi’s gazpacho police spying on members of consommé, spying on the lentil work we do, spying on our stracciatella and spying on American she crabs that want to come talk to their ramens.

“Here’s my beef.  Pelosi is the borscht of the borscht.  Nancy makes miso hot and sour that I want to scream of asparagus and leave the mushroom.  I’ve never known anyone as full of bouillabaisse.  Sometimes I get so angry I’d like to butternut squash her and cioppino her into pieces.”

She appeared to end her speech by raising her right arm in a Nazi salute and loudly yelling “Sieg Heil” but, when questioned after the event, said she was merely pointing to a student she recognized in the balcony, saying “See Kyle!”