How to Help Ukraine

As the war in Ukraine continues to escalate, and the horrors are broadcast around the world,  many are left wondering what they can do to help the citizens of Ukraine. Thankfully, we live in a society of consumption and virtue signaling, so you can get all the satisfaction of helping those in need with minute changes to your consumption habits and vocabulary. Experts have agreed that the #1 way to help Ukraine against the Russian invasion is for all Americans to completely remove Russian goods and concepts from their lives. Here’s a helpful guide to get you started.

Instead of wearing a traditional ushanka, try wearing a beanie.

Instead of ordering a Moscow* Mule, try ordering a “I don’t care so long as it comes in a weird little cup so I can feel special” 

Instead of saying “I have to piss like a Russian* racehorse” try saying “The forecast called for golden showers and ooh baby I got a low pressure front rollin in”

Instead of buying your kid a Russian* nesting doll, try buying them a fun toy. 

Instead of ordering a White Russian* try ordering a gin shot with a milk chaser- Yum!

Instead of playing Russian* Roulette try a round of Tuscaloosa Turntable.

Instead of drinking vodka, try calling your mom back.

Instead of risking buying Russian* oil, try siphoning the gas from your neighbor’s Honda Civic.

If everyone stays strong and follows these guidelines, Putin will be running back to Russia* with his tail between his legs in no time! 

*Please note that all references to the bad country in this article are for educational purposes only.