The Memphis Grizzlies are on an absolute tear. They lead the league in points off turnovers, blocks per game, offensive rebounds per game, and have been the highest ever scoring team to come out of Memphis, ever. You might think this is a silly little accident. A team from a ho-bunk town like Memphis being… good enough to contend? No way! 

However, this is supposed to be happening all because of one special player: Ja Morant. 

He’s been sensational, tripling expectations and demanding ESPN’s respect, but, like all men, he has other passions, which include hyping up his teammates, modeling for underwear companies, and being a hitman for hire. 

That’s right, Ja Morant is offering his freakishly athletic services to anyone who doesn’t like the freaks around them and wants them dead. For just 8 grand, you can hire Ja Morant to dunk on and kill your worst enemy, wife, or a random guy like Rhys Rueffert just for funsies. 

Legend has it that the target (or victim, if you’re a pussy) will notice an angelic floating basketball goal above their heads, then, before they can even comprehend the magic of a floating hoop, Ja Morant will come out of the shadows, scream “I’M VENGEANCE” and charge full steam, ball in hands. He will then leap over 7 feet in the air with bewildering speed, immobilizing you. His frame will come crashing down on your body, and the ball will be dunked so hard through the hoop that it’ll come down and blow your brains out. Ja will be so high in the air that his dick will be all the way through your mouth and out the back of your throat, and you’ll be dead. 

Gurgling. 

A last spasm of life. 

Ja Morant doing the griddy as your hand feebly reaches for mercy. 

“I’M VENGEANCE” he says. 

Your bones are broken. You can feel the hole in the back of your throat flow like a faucet. Your thoughts are all over the hardwood. 

But not yet, no. Nobody has hired Ja Morant to dunk on and kill you, no, you’re too good for that. 

Unless you look up.

Do you see it?

That floating basketball hoop?

Oh, reader. 

I hate you. 

Here he comes. You cannot stop him. 

Go Grizzlies!*

_{*Editors note: Go Nuggets}